Genesis - Genesis

Release: October 3, 1983
Genre: Let's call it "art pop" and be done with it.
Label: Charisma Records (UK), Atlantic Records (US)
Length: 45:59

Nick's Rating: 3.5/5

I'm gonna do something different this time and basically take the mick out of the majority of this album instead of giving it a proper review. That score up there does say 3.5, yes, but I'm spending a review taking the piss out of this album. TV Tropes would refer to this with "Four Point Scale" -- I, however, am just doing what I do best, and nowhere did I say I was wiping myself with the whole album.

Okay. Quick question: are you a fan of pop Genesis or prog genesis? BUZZ! Time's up! You're still gonna hate "Second Home by the Sea!" This "song," if you can even call it that, being the tail end of "Home by the Sea" is basically just a long instrumental, although with piss-poor arrangement and a generally anemic sound, which is not thanks at all to the instruments the band is using at this time (whatever gave you that idea?). It's not even like a matter of not knowing where to go; they just didn't blend the prog and pop sides together right. Or rather, they did, but they left it to sit for a few days and they separated back into separate layers. And then they BOTH got moldy, and they just said "screw it" and went ahead. The end result is not the worst song in the Genesis canon (and if you honestly believe that, uh... God help you if you buy a copy of We Can't Dance, is all I'm saying), but a six-minute drag-a-thon that, were it the only Genesis song I'd ever heard, I think I might snap and kill Tony Banks with a shovel. Mike and Phil can stay alive, and why would I bother with the two guys who weren't even in the scene anymore.

Pleasant surprise, though: "Home by the Sea" was released as a single in some territories! Hopefully not with that dreadful second part on, though.

The only two other truly bad songs on the album are the last two ones on the album. I mean, a lot of people talk about "Illegal Alien," which technically is a bad song with its doofy faux Mexican accent, unfortunate implications, and the-less-said-about-it-the-better type video, but I find it strangely cute, probably because it's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. Har, stupidity from Genesis? I'll take it over pseudointellectualism from Tool, at least.

So, before I get completely sidetracked, "Silver Rainbow" and "It's Gonna Get Better" do literally nothing for me. I've mentioned my love of George Starostin, and he praised the vocals on "Silver Rainbow" all those years ago when he reviewed the album, and I don't blame him -- but one thing doesn't a good song make. A friend of mine even noted that "Second Home" has a hook. True. "It's Gonna Get Better," then, has pretty much literally got nothing going for it. It's not even lyrically interesting or snarky. Fine, I can accept a truly optimistic song, yes, but I've heard so many of them after twenty one goddamn years of listening to the radio that another one will just leave me cold and be ignored.

Oh, and then there's "Taking It All Too Hard." Which is so unremarkable that I completely forgot about it. It's a sleepy, go-nowhere type of tune with, uh... I don't want to say no redeeming qualities. The electric piano is cute. But I wouldn't call it a really good song by any means whatsoever; it's just there. It's single material. Also known as filler. Those sound like they should be mutually exclusive, right? Nope. Not in this genre. It's kind of undortunate, too.

"That's All" just doesn't do much for me either, but it's quick moving and harmless, really. It's pure simplicity, but I don't find it much fun to listen to, probably because I still like prog Genesis more than pop genesis. But it is nice to hear the natural drums actually come out rather quickly. I think there's still a drum machine in some parts with those, but that's okay. Like I said, this one's a matter of taste; you might like it, but I don't. I mean, I do, but I don't like listening to it.

What I do like listening to, though, now that we're done with all the negativity, are the other three songs. "Mama" is one that probably everyone knows, from its distorted, jagged, I'd even say pseudo-industrial, drum machine opening down to Phil's evil as hell laugh. To some people, it represents the worst of Genesis' pop dreck. To me? I'd point you to "Taking It All Too Hard" for that. "Mama" is actually a cool song, even if not the best of Genesis' work (no matter what chart positions will tell you). The song has something that most of the rest of this album lacks -- an actual mood other than "cold drum-machine-based pop" (which is more a genre than an actual mood, but who cares?). It's dark, sinister, and almost throws you straight into the malevolent cityscape that Phil sings about, particularly as the song draws on and the explosively booming natural drums come out. Dear lord. I thought I'd hate this song way back when I started listening to this album. But, no. This truly is "art" in popular music. You thought that "art pop" thing was just a joke 'cause I couldn't let go of Genesis as a prog band? You fool!

I think the other two songs, though, are actually my favorites here, probably because they ease off the drum machine and are a little more "rock" than "pop." "Home by the Sea" is probably my longtime favorite from this album. I couldn't really say what it is about it -- I think it's really just the fact that it's as simple as it is, to the point that it belies the band's true identity as art rock, no matter how poppy they try to become (until We Can't Dance, anywway, which actually is the band's worst album, not Calling All Stations). Avoid, of course, "Second Home by the Sea," which has all the artistic content of a case of hammer toes and all the listenability of getting shot in the ear.

"Just a Job to Do" is cool, too. A bit generic, really, but it has energy to spare, which is something I can't say about most of the other languid crap on this album, and it's kind of funny in its own way -- because the lyrics speak of a P.I. chasing down a target, and could you ever think of Phil Collins being that bad-ass? A man whose mind is a dark place separated into smaller, darker places, yes, but actually bad-ass? That would require some serious convincing, and I think that "Just a Job to Do" comes about as close as it possibly could. Which is to say, it's still not very good. Phil shouting "BANG BANG BANG! and down you go!" is kind of funny, instead. Thankfully, the song is still pretty good, if, as I said, generic -- but that's a problem with all the other pop songs on the album, too. This isn't an album about doing anything new.

That's probably why it's enjoyable. Not that Genesis were truly bad when they were experimental, but it was kind of hit and miss sometimes.

I probably am doing this because I hate myself.

Lyriel - Leverage

Release: February 24, 2012
Genre: Some kind of metal with female vocals. I don't know what genres are anymore anyway, why are you asking?
Label: AFM Records
Length:

Nick's Rating: 3.5/5

I'm really not at a point where I'm anticipating albums much anymore, at least, not for the year. There's a new Diablo Swing Orchestra forthcoming, and new Rush, but otherwise, most of my favorite bands are either defunct or have released an album in the past two years and take long enough crafting their works that it's unfair to expect an album this year. In fact, in some respects I almost wouldn't be surprised if Clockwork Angels, currently set for a May 29th release, got another delay. (Okay, not really; they're far enough along with the album that another delay would require tapes be destroyed in the middle of the night.) So far, also, there's only been one album this year that I've really given a good listen to, that being Glass Kites' debut (which I might review eventually).

That said, I was outright shocked to hear about Leverage, considering Paranoid Circus was as recent as 2010. It wasn't an unpleasant surprise, but thanks to America being a little too ready to keep me from getting hold of a decent album, I had a bad feeling I'd have to wait for a hard copy. I won't comment on that, suffice to say that I, sadly, was saddled with a downloaded copy at release day. Yeah, I can't get ONE damn copy of this album weeks later, but most of the now limited options I have out where I live for actually picking up hard copies of albums sure did have a ton of copies of Megadeth's TH1RT3EN, the biggest disappointment of the year, at release day.

In short, this isn't actually a review of Leverage, but rather a lamentation about how FUCKING BACKASSWARDS the brick-and-mortar element of the music industry is in America. Is it because Dave Mustaine is a squeaky clean, Santorum-backing Christian who does this just to troll the metal community, while Jessica Thierjung is a strange blend of Siouxie Sioux and Tarja Turunen whom, people would assume (probably for all the wrong reasons), thinks present-day American politicking is a festering Gordian knot of raw psychosis? (Not that I would likely have a chance of picking this up in a German record store, anyway.)

Okay, I need to cut that out. I'll start to hate looking at this crap. Anyway. To some the Siouxie Sioux comparison might seem odd, but in what is perhaps the exact opposite of a surprise, I think I can reason this out. Think for a few moments about just how wide of an area the Banshees covered musically, even though they were mostly confined to that "goth" sound or group of sounds. Compare "Kiss Them For Me," a pop song, to "Melt!" -- which... is in a genre all its own, really (well, it's kind of post-punk, so). In some respects, this is the comparison between this album's title track and the last album's. Leverage's title track is an arena-ready creation that could probably have been written and performed by any number of talented bands (albeit still keeping a bit of the artist's signature on it). "Paranoid Circus," instead, was comparatively unique, something that only a band in the same genre could make, and probably not most bands in the same genre. (Also, I feel that Thierjung could probably cultivate a similar "obsessed with the era of black and white film" look to Siouxie -- perhaps taking inspiration more from Polaire? Oh, I'm overthinking this.)

Though it does look like she's getting to style her looks after Florence Welch.

The lone problem I have with the song "Leverage," really, is that it's almost devoid of personality. More so than the aforementioned Banshees tune that I drew the reference to (which is, in terms of style, nothing like this song, before anyone says anything). It's one of those songs that a band like this would make to sell records (not that it'd help). At this point, you need an identity in this industry, and Lyriel has a perfectly good one. Why throw that away just to, supposedly, get listeners? (For all I berate this song on the matter though, it probably did help; Barnes and Noble allows me to order it off their online store, when they haven't got any of the other albums and stock only maybe one or two Threshold albums -- Threshold being, if last.fm is anything to go by, a far more popular group, albeit also nearly unknown in America).

At least they seem to gather up personality again on some of their other songs, like "Parting" and "White Lily." The album, overall, is a little more energetic and loud than I remember Paranoid Circus being, but I remember only a little of that album, which is probably a massive travesty. I couldn't really say because I don't remember. I also am not sure how this measures up as "folk metal," since I guess I don't really know what that's supposed to mean, but I will say that it's really not the Nightwish rip-off that people on Youtube keep talking about. Which I think I mentioned last review, but it needs to be said again.

Geez. I've spent a lot of time complaining in this review. Really, though, the album is far more solid than I act. The only thing here that I could live without is "The Road Not Taken," adapted from a famous Robert Frost poem, but a large reason for my distaste for it is from having the poem crammed down my throat. I went to Northside College Prep, a reasonably famous Chicago public high school known for being smart. They basically wore Frost's "The Road Not Taken" on their sleeves, possibly even by its incorrect title "The Road Less Traveled," wearing it as some badge of honor that you, student, took the road less traveled. And they paraded their high end standardized test scores around the school like that were some kind of actual accomplishment! It was a little distressing, to be polite. I guess it's a little silly, my reasoning, but I don't want to hear the words ever again. I probably could recite them from memory, but I'd have to do it while sucking a jezail and flailing for the trigger.

Ugh. I tried to stop, okay? Also, "Wenn die Engel Fallen" makes me glad for the program function of CD players and the capability to make playlists. It's not that it's not pretty, as it really is meant to be -- it's just that it's not very interesting unless you're in the mood for pretty things, and by that point, the album has basically ground away your desire for that. I'm using "pretty" in a rather generic sense, here, since even the noisier bits of this album could be considered pretty if you're predisposed to it.

I think that's one of the major downfalls of this album; it does try to be too things at once. In the end, it suffers immensely for that. Much like Lyriel's previous album, the result feels less than the sum of its parts. But some of its parts are good. Or at least fun. I kinda hope that "Leverage" brings this band a bit of actual airplay. This is one of those groups that I'd love to see go places, honestly.

It's like some kind of comedy routine...

Fate/Extra (PSP)
Released November 1, 2011 (US); July 22, 2010 (JP). Developed by Type-Moon/Image Epoch; published by Axsys/Marvelous Entertainment
Genre: JRPG

The most recent (in the US) entry in the expansive and pretty insane Fate/stay night saga, Fate/Extra is a weird, but relatively cool, JRPG that finally got a release in the states about a year and a half after its Japanese release. I got very heavily into F/sn thanks to some of my friends; I do mean these thanks in a genuine way, because it has been rewarding, even if it has had as many "Are you kidding me?" moments as many other series, like Parasite Eve or Persona (the series I find it resembles most closely). So perhaps it would be a good idea to get into the framing devices, the storylines, etc.; be warned that there will be some spoilers ahead for the entire series.

So, basically, there's this thing called the Holy Grail. When you think of that, you probably think of the golden cup similar to that seen in the Monty Python film, or perhaps the Holy Chalice.In this case, as I'm led to understand, it's something more intangible. Wars are fought over it, but not in the traditional "millions get in their sunday best and grab rifles and blast each other's heads off" -- no. It's more like a tournament, at least in this game. Each participant has a Servant, which is basically a living weapon, a humanoid character based off of a historical or mythological figure, which gives them the form of their Servant and its class (of seven: Saber, Archer, Caster, Rider, Lancer, Assassin, or Berserker, as well as a few obscure other classes). Of course, it does kind of fall on its face in some instances.

I outright refuse to believe that this is actually based on Sir Francis Drake.

So, that's the basic premise. You start as a nameless male character with no memories. After a few days of exploring the campus, you are drawn into a strange, digitalized world, which somewhat resembles your school, and into an Arena. You begin to get plot, but you die before you get it all! Thankfully, you're reborn; you're able to choose your character's gender and name this time. This is the character you will always play. Before you do this, of course, you have to choose a Servant. After all, you've been drafted into the Holy Grail War, so you're going to need some way to fight. Squishies like you would be turned into a series of cave paintings or The Binding of Isaac screencaps if you fucked around with the supers unprotected, naturally.

So, which would you trust? (Left to right: Archer (probably the F/sn Archer), Caster (Tamamo-no-Mae), Saber (Roman Emperor Nero))

So, in short, yeah, it's kind of a huge clusterfuck. MOVING ON!

Storyline development: Expansive and modestly engrossing

The storyline I showed above is not much of the story at all, which is absolutely huge and quite daunting. Thankfully, you don't need to know all that much of it to play the game. But it doesn't hurt to be aware of the hacking, the terrorism, the cannibalism, the living dead... Okay, so beyond the fact that there's way too much to take in, one of the reasons why I just couldn't fall head-over-heels for the storyline like I think I was meant to is that it often just seems like a massive torrent of dark things. Kind of like The Binding of Isaac, but with a bit more building-up and depth behind it, on some level. Though, that may just be me. The storyline is not perfectly immersive, but then again, I also feel like I knew some of the characters, especially Shinji (who honestly is like 99% of the males I've gamed with online and offline). Remember, I felt pretty damn close to BioShock.

Gameplay: "A minute to learn, a lifetime to master"

The package called Fate/Extra's battle system "intuitive."

That's an awfully strong word, and not completely without merit, but perhaps not the right descriptor someone who isn't on a company's pay roll is looking for. The battle system is... unique, I guess. Basically, turns are carried out simultaneously between you and the opponent (you only ever face one opponent at a time). You enter a series of six commands from among the three basic commands you have available: Attack, Guard and Break. Sometimes you're also able to use special abilities. Attack moves faster than Break and disrupts it, Break shatters Guard, and Guard blocks attacks while giving you the momentum you need to make a quick counter. If either side gets 3 successful hits in a row, they get an extra attack that can't be prevented.

So, here's what the "elaborate Rock-Paper-Scissors" screen looks like.

In some cases you'll be unable to predict any of the enemy's attacks save by trial and error. However, if you gather enough information on an enemy Servant or fight a generic enemy enough times, you'll be able to predict more and more actions, though more than three predictions can be rare. These patterns can, of course, be rote learned. In a way, the battle system reminds me of latter-day Persona games, in that it's a strategy-heavy battle system, as much as a battle system based on "Attack its weak point for MASSIVE DAMAGE! or get fucked up the ass" is strategy-heavy. This system is where much of the early struggle comes from. It can be hard to get the attack rhythms down without large amounts of enemy data. I have a few beefs with this system, though, since it's screwed me a few times, and pretty hard at that. See below.

The game's level-up system is very nice, in a way. When you level up, your Servant may gain some stats, but for the most part you have to assign other stat points yourself. This is similar to Persona 2 and, if I recall correctly, the Diablo games, allowing you to build your character as you see fit. Just be smart about it; each Servant has some innate characteristics that make him or her (usually her) either good or bad at something specific.

Graphics: Solid as the PSP goes, I'd say

Basically, just look at the screenshot above. This game suffers a bit because of the PSP's screen size, rendering some of the models a little pixelated, but overall, pretty good-looking, about par for course for PS2 titles, at least. Though, my memory of PS2 RPGs is a little foggy at the moment; I remember the PS2 best for the Ratchet and Clank saga, which definitely looked a bit sharper than this. The graphics remind me of Phantasy Star Online, at least in its Blue Burst incarnation, in terms of quality, but a little better.

Music and sound: Better than Eversion's, at least

I decided to start listening to games' music again around the time when I got Persona 2 Portable. It rewarded me a fair amount over time. This game's soundtrack, composed by Shinji Hosoe, is mostly very reserved with relatively quiet instrumentation, mostly saxophone, percussion and keyboard. It has a very calming feeling to it but does, somehow, manage to avoid being boring, although, at times, only just. It's not hugely fun or anything and suffers a serious lack of energy, but I guess it's questionable as to whether or not you think those are flaws. I'd been listening to A Dramatic Turn of Events a lot when I got the game, so take that as you will. That would definitely not be appropriate for this game. Though maybe rearrangements into this style...

Difficulty curve: Looks way more intimidating than it actually is

Don't get me wrong; Fate/Extra is actually a bit tough. Most of that is due to the combat system, though. The combat system ties you up a little here and there, but if you keep building up your character and beating the "target level" the game gives you for each week, you should do basically fine. Sometimes, stats like HP values of bosses, can intimidate, but by doing things correctly and taking notes, it becomes easier and easier as time goes by. Again, like Phantasy Star Online. HP ratings, especially of bosses, were intimidating, especially since your HP was only about a few K max and your weapons probably did no more than 1000 damage, maybe hitting a few sections, fewer if you used firearms. But, if you worked the system (in that case by moving around a lot and modding your equipment to optimize certain stats), you could defeat anything if you tried, and you always got better as you went, especially if you took notes, mental or otherwise. It's always on you, though, to make the game easier for you.

Like the games I've been comparing this to a lot, level grinding can become a chore readily. The experience needs rise quickly, and like in later Persona games, EXP rewards drop. I can understand wanting an anti-grinding method in place, but let's not go overboard here.

But how is it as a member of its genre?

Well, first of all, the fanservice, despite being great in quantity, is somewhat tempered; there's no Vanessa or Harpie Lady Sisters to tip the sca

Oh, right, this is an RPG first and foremost! Right, right, I totally remember that now...

Hm. I guess it's pretty good for the genre? As I think I mentioned before, the battle system is fairly unique, which is great news. The game is rather fun to play with a relatively strong story (I mean, by the standards of the genre) told relatively well (relative, again, to some other entries in the series), which is one of the major parts of the genre. However, it can be intimidating and
unapproachable (except, or perhaps especially, the character designs) at times, with its battle system making it possible for you to outright fail an attack and get killed pretty easily if you don't know what you're doing. Of course there should be some challenge involved with RPG combat, but that is a little excessive. At least in a game like Persona, you can prepare yourself for when you fail to damage an opponent or even outright get damage sent back at you. The strategy-heavy system is cool, yes, and one of the main reasons why I advocate grabbing it, but it does mean that combat often looks to be a very excruciating process. A game that's meant to be hard shouldn't be so hard that I want to give up; rather, it should be just hard enough to make me fail but still encourage me to keep hammering back, like the tougher sections of Crash Bandicoot: Warped. Though this game is really not the Kaizo Mario World of RPGs, the difficulty is perhaps unnecessarily heavy. That aside... the plot is, as I mentioned before, pretty much ridiculous, but isn't that par for course for the genre?

The "magic as programs" thing is an interesting spin, but hasn't it been done already with the MegaMan Battle Network series, in a way? It's not quite the same, no, but in that game, Mega Man used his special attacks (spells, in a way -- that or alternate weapons) though "Battle Chips," special attachments kind of like a fusion of console memory cards and cards for electronic card readers, which transmitted program data to Mega Man to allow him to perform a special attack. So, not so unique. An interesting idea, I guess, but it's been done before (and what I'd call "in the same genre," too!), albeit a bit differently.

Of course, originality isn't all there is to a game, but it is pretty important nowadays. Though, I guess, if people ate up Persona 4 after Persona 3...

The verdict?

3.5/5

Not as engrossing as advertised, but that is a monumentally tall order, anyway. I should note that there is a special edition that exists, which retailed for $40 (versus $30 for the "plain" version) on release. It comes with a soundtrack and a small number of pictures, mostly of this game's playable Saber, some a little on the fanservice-intensive side. My copy of the artbook/soundtrack hardback was a bit misshapen, so it's not the greatest. But spring for it if you want the artwork and soundtrack! It's not going to bring my grade down.

Cover image, screenshot, three-servant artwork found on Wikipedia. Rider/Francis Drake artwork found on Type-Moon Wiki. Vanessa image found on someone's Photobucket account. Harpie Lady Sisters image found on Yu-Gi-Oh Wiki.

PRESS EVERSE BUTTON TO LEARN HOW TO USE A SPELL CHECK!

Eversion (PC)
Released December 29, 2008 by Zaratustra Productions
Genre: Platformer, horror (sorta)

If you believe everything the Internet tells you, as statistics posted on the Internet indicate that about 107% of Americans do and "There are other countries?"% of people from other countries do, it's pretty likely that you know Eversion inside and out without ever having played a second of it, and you probably have been led to believe that it's the best, most Lovecraftian, most terrifying-despite-looking-like-it-was-made-for-children game out there, particularly in the platforming genre.

Well, not quite, but you're on the right track, I guess.

Facts about Eversion: Eversion is a horror-ish platformer for the PC released in late 2008 made by a fella named Guilherme S. Tows (according to the Steam application) for a company named Zaratustra Productions (according to Zaratustra's web site). It's a fun game sure to give you hours of enjoyment, at least going one way. The game was inspired by a quotation, at least, by Lovecraft, which, I guess, is more than most folks know of the man's work, which probably extends no farther than throwing the word "Cthulhu" around as a name describing a particular class of squid-faced horror (think "Mindflayer appearance, Godzilla stature"). In that respect, I have to give the creators credit. It makes a game that's actually pretty cool to watch and read about, and not because it becomes surprisingly gory for something with such a cutesy outward appearance. It is actually a legitimately cool concept! Once. It's kind of like how "Persona 4.5" would probably be ever-lovin' terrible. Not to make predictions about the new updated rerelease of that game.

Basically, the game plays like an old-timey eight-bit platformer. You play a flower-like creature in a cheery, colorful world and you have to collect gems and save a princess. At times, though, your progress will be impeded. To get ahead, you'll have to "evert" (or "everse," according to the incorrect original version) to a different layer. Doing this will modify what you can and can't go through, how you interact with blocks, and what can hurt you. The game uses two world numbers, then, to tell which of the eight layers you're on and what level you are in.

The dual level number in action. Left is before everting, right is after.

Soon enough, though, things start to get... weird. Which is quite appropriate, because "to evert" means to turn something inside-out. The cheerful world was just a lie and eventually you can see strings holding up the clouds, the hills growing hellish mouths, etc. Basically, unsettling things rather than outright horror. Though, I've played a fair few horror games, so maybe I'm just numb to shit like that. At least the scares aren't cheap, mostly. You get a few new traps over time, too, like giant hands that make Sonic Screwdriver noises and walls of shoddy, monochrome special effects.

I don't even want to know what's going on here.

At the end, you, the flowery protagonist, save the princess. Except not. In every ending, you fail, in some way, to save the princess. Yeah, that's it. It's not that hopeless, though.

Now, to the more subjective parts:

Storyline Development: Miniscule

This is the story: You're a flower. You have a princess to save. The world gets creepier and creepier as you go. The spoilers could fit in that much space. You aren't playing this for it's gripping, Pulitzer Prize-ready storyline.

Gameplay: Very solid

The controls are simple but effective: arrow keys move you and let you jump, space bar everts. Very easy, and the controls are basically more than responsive enough that, if something goes awry in your character's movement, it's probably your fault. I do have a few errors with hit detection in some cases; for instance, at the end-of-level flag, it is possible to jump over it entirely and not clear a level until you go back and actually touch it. Usually, this is not a problem, but in the "wall of black stuff level" which I screencapped above, and a similar level later, you can get killed if you're slow enough. This is possibly not a legitimate error, but it is still very irritating. It can also be hard to get through thin gaps in floors and ceilings, often slowing down your progress, as in the second "wall o' shit" level. It's artificial difficulty, really.

Music and sound: Excruciatingly acceptable!

Make no mistake: I don't really like most 8-bit music, and I certainly will not give bonus points to someone for making an 8-bit tune when something that doesn't sound like Mr. Game and Watch threw up a game of NetHack on a Game Boy Pocket would not only have been quite possible to make, but would have sounded better. Thankfully, though, at least in the Steam version, Eversion's music, composed by Matthew Steele and Miroslav Malesevic, includes some legitimate instrumentation in between its beeps and boops. I can't fault the music for usually at least trying to create a disturbing atmosphere. As for the sound effects, they're not too bad, but aren't very memorable. The sounds associated with the hands are a bit worthy of mention, though -- they're a bit on the unsettling side the first time, but later just become comical.

Graphics: I'll give them these

Though the Steam version boasts enhanced graphics with, in my opinion, way better backgrounds, it changes the effect the old graphics had of a cutesy, 8-bit, 2D platformer with horrifying secrets. The newer foreground graphics are alright, but a lot of them just feel like someone chucked them together with MS paint and added a little shading later. You could do worse, especially for something that looks unambitious, but it just doesn't feel the same. Also, the wall traps and the blood explosions are monochrome and use very intense colors, too -- they look extremely out of place with everything else. But it looks decent, for a game of its type.

Difficulty curve: Decently fair

While the game is pretty tough sometimes, it's generally very fair and increases its difficulty at a perfectly reasonable rate, particularly if you just take your brain out of the dusty old box you keep it in when you're not using it. The last level, though, can be balls hard, and the level before it requires a good bit of memorizing. So, it can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but it's nothing you can't handle, probably.

But how is it as a member of its genre?

As far as platforming games go, Eversion is a fun, relatively rewarding experience that doesn't bring anything new to the table, and probably wouldn't if it even could, but at least tries to put a unique spin on the old, venerable genre. A nice thing about this game is that the two "fixed scrolling" segments in this game really aren't, and considering how slowly they move, that's definitely very good. It would be nice to see that in other platformers, but since it's strictly horizontal in this case, I guess it's doubtful that that'll happen in the new Yoshi's Island anytime soon. So, that's out of the way, but what about the horror aspects? The game doesn't live up very well to the Lovecraftian horror hype to the extent that I'd prefer, but it can't be helped. The game does have it as an atmospheric element, but that pretty much seems to be all, unless that ending is supposed to remind of e.g. the film Dagon (hopefully this doesn't spoil anything, but I don't think most of my reader base has seen Dagon). The blood explosions that I mentioned earlier are so excessive and miscolored that it is perhaps a parody on the overuse of such blood-and-bleeding tropes in horror. The game doesn't remain scary for long after the first play, sadly, and the game does have a sequence of massively cheap shock scares in the start-of-level screens toward the end of the game. It's a cheap trick and it wouldn't endear me to the genre if this was my first horror themed game.

The verdict?

Steam/HD version: 3.5/5
Non-HD version: 3/5

I haven't had a chance to play the other games from the competition that spawned Eversion, like the white chamber, but they are on my list. I'll get to those later. As it stands, though, Eversion is a relatively solid title for an indie game that, to be frank, didn't live up to its intent. I can understand way too well why this is so beloved by folks on the internet, the same folks who love Persona 4 to death and read only Medaka Box.

Buy it on Steam! It's only $5.
For reference, my crappy Steam recommendation.

"Appalling" just isn't strong enough.

Rammstein - Liebe ist fuer alle da

Release: October 16, 2009
Genre: Neue Deutche Härte
Label: Universal Records, Vagrant Records
Length: 46:07

Nick's Rating: 2/5


Earlier today, I was listening to Emerson, Lake & Palmer's Black Moon, wondering why "Paper Blood" from that album and "Knife Edge," its obvious ancestor, from their self-titled, didn't get covered by many bands. Then I found a cover of "Knife Edge" by a doom-metal band and learned why. The use of doom tones and death metal vocals killed the whole thing. Bands like Dream Theater seem like they could really make it come to life. Or maybe Lyriel. I'd suggest Nightwish, but no. Lyriel could probably handle that better. They do use legitimate stringed instruments and not Disney-inflected keyboards. I kind of thought about the idea of the song in the hands of Rammstein, then, who might be able to pull it off with a little more temperance in the vocals. You know things are bad when you think of Till Lindemann as the more tempered, refined, restrained, etc. voice of two voices.

So, uh, Liebe ist fuer alle da. Except for this album.

So, I guess I'll get right down to it. Two out of five is more than enough for this album. If this were a proportion of songs I like vs. songs I don't, that'd be a massive overestimate. Okay, not really massive, but you get the idea. This album sucks out loud (please wait to shoot me until after the review).

I think I'll tackle this in list form, since it'll be more fun that way. The appropriate place to start is with #1, which brings us straight to almost the end of the album.

My favorite song on this record is "Mehr" -- those playing the home game may recognize this as being German (no shit!) for "More." I dunno what the lyrics mean or have to do with anything, and don't really have it in me to look up what they say or what they mean. I think it's generally the arrangement and vocals on this song that make it enjoyable for me -- after having spend much of the album, and even my favorite songs, comparatively monotone, Till proves that he does actually have some vocal range in him! A tiny, insignificant amount of vocal range! Isn't it a cute little vocal range? As far as the rest, the song is drenched in keyboards, and very obvious keyboards at that, harking back to earlier albums a little, albeit not entirely (because, of course, that would be REGRESSIVE and that's not cool for a band like Rammstein -- I consider them "stealth prog," or I would had I not just made up that term right now). Is Till showing some emotion in the song's lyrics? Maybe he's just trolling us. Rammstein seem like the closest thing to a band of trolls in some time while (probably) not actually being one.

Really, it's the two (to my ears, which are pretty shoddy, I guess, probably from listening to this album too much in headphones -- it is mastered loud, which makes sense, but it's just painful) most-keyboard-heavy tracks are my favorites, because, while you can accuse the rhythms of "Haifisch" of being too poppy, it does have a sound that reminds me more of my childhood glimpses of Rammstein (which I may or may not have described in my review of Porcelain and the Tramps' quasi-real EP: English, if I recall correctly, and imported in the era of Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson), which is food enough as far as I'm concerned. "Haifisch" means "Shark" in German. The lyrics basically state, if I recall correctly (the chorus, anyway; the verses are just a bit odd and slightly posturing-focused), that even sharks cry, but nobody notices this because they live in the water (and I think that the rest says something about this being where the salt in the ocean comes from). Another fun note: those chorus lyrics are based on the lyrics to "The Ballad of Mack the Knife" from The Threepenny Opera! No, really! I think this makes Rammstein's lyrics more "Brechtian" than the Dresden Dolls', but I'm not much of a Brecht expert, so I don't know worth a crap. I should try explaining this to my mother, who once described "Du hast" as resembling "a wedding march for the Third Reich," but I'm not sure what she'd say. I would call this somewhat intelligent in its own way (with a fair bit of bullshit philosophy thrown in for good measure), even if it's not to the point of borrowing from writers/etc. like Ayn Rand. In fact, let's not have them do Rand; Rammstein honestly don't need more shit piled on them after the infamous "music to invade Poland to" jab and everything else.

So, on the rockier side, there's "Waidmanns Heil" and the title track to cover that. Despite how overly energetic and noisy the former is, it's actually one of the less noise-encrusted rockers on this album, which is pretty depressing. Just so we're clear, I'm okay with noise music sometimes. However, it doesn't fit in Rammstein's Œuvre very well, as in songs like "B********" -- which apparently means "Buckstabu," some made-up word by the band, which is the first step to turning into a shittier version of Magma.

To be fair, this may be an improvement.

But, anyway. The title track is more stropped-down and a lot less noisy, but still loud and, now that I think about it, also with a fair bit of keyboard to it and is just generally very catchy, something that every other song on here lacks, because most of that is buried in noise out the ass. Which is unfortunate, because most of them could probably be rearranged into something slightly decent if they weren't plagued by so much horrific crap.

I guess, besides those, there's only one notable track, that being called "Pussy." That should already bring up red flags. The song had a pornographic video released for it and featured perhaps easily the bands raunchiest, least subtle, and dumbest lyrics ever. Is this a parody or something? I was always led to believe that parody needed to be a little smart.

I guess "Ich tu dir weh" is a little important, too, but it's not a very good song. I like the single cover, though.

So, in the end, that's four decent songs, one that's a TRUE piece of shit, and six that are so shoddily produced that I can't tell if they're good. Even the four I like don't really stack up among Rammstein's best. But when that list includes songs like "Sonne," "Moskau," "Spring," "Der Meister," and "Spiel mit mir," how can they? In my very first review of this, never published, written aroung the time of the relieas,e I'd suggested, jokingly, that listeners invest instead of Love Is All Around, an LP by War recorded in the late 60s and featuring Eric Burdon on lead vocals. Now that I get a chance to really think about it, I was being completely serious then. By the way, at the time of the release it was somewhat common to compare the album to Mutter. That's complete bullshit. Even though Mutter took the longest time for me to get to like, I can absolutely recognize that album as great, and having a very different sound from, this abomination -- it has quality, where this... doesn't. To say the very least. What's worse is hwo this album seems to get really good reviews. This thing is almost more overrated than Skyrim!

Lastly, here's a picture of a singer whose band released a way better album in the same way that was, by an "amusing" coincidence, that band's worst album ever, too.

You could have spent the time reading this review listening to "The Glass Prison."

To be honest, it actually feels good to be wrong.

King Crimson - The Power to Believe

Release: 2003
Genre: Progressive rock, things that kill Nick's faith in modern music
Label: Sanctuary Records
Length: 51:11

Nick's Rating: 3/5

I had a really shitty day today when I wrote this... so I ask in advance that you all please excuse me if I'm being more of a jackass than usual. But really, now. I'm a fan of King Crimson, too, and this album just makes me want to bash my head into a bank vault's door.

I am a big fan, by the way, of the reviews of George Starostin. In the old version of his site, he had separate little pages for every band whose music he reviewed. Each would have a series of some albums marked with headers like "Best album ever," or "Most underrated album." If he had it, surely The Power to Believe would get King Crimson's "Most overrated album" title. I don't get how this album can be called a massive slam dunk when The ConstruKction of Light gets shit upon relentlessly. They. Are. The. Same. Fucking. ALBUM! About the only difference is that Power is significantly more confident. Better quality, though? Not on your life.

Let me immediately sort out every unnecessary song from this album. "The Power to Believe I" is a throwaway, as is the "Facts of Life Intro" that is indexed as a separate track on what remains of my copy (I sold it back to the used shop I bought it from, just so you know, I was that fucking disappointed in it -- but I still have the MP3 rip because the album sports some nice tunes.). Worthless throwaway, too. "Power I" is pleasant enough, I guess, but it's not something you'll come back to. "Eyes Wide Open" fares much better... but I wouldn't notice it if it were gone. It's an attempt to milk the beauty of "Walking On Air" from THRAK for all it's worth.

Next on the chopping block: "Happy With What you Have to Be Happy With" -- fun, yes. Fun once. After that it's the musical equivalent of a child saying "Are we there yet?" every three seconds in the car. Is it a parody on nu-metal? It sure is awful enough for it. But, parody or not, this is way too repetitive for the Crim I know. Even then, why? What does this band need a nu-metal parody for? Is Robert Fripp that jealous that he doesn't get radio airplay that he needs to resort to smarmy quasi-fuck-the-man posturing? I guess there's a reasonable amount of power to it, but with the sound of the album, replete with near brickwalled masters and electronic drums, of course there's power. Everything has power (or at least faux-power), even "EleKtrik"'s flute opener.

"EleKtrik," by the way, is a good song. Saving grace of the album? Hell no. This eight minute instrumental juggernaut does not leap out and grab you, unless it's to drag you to the skip button. At least, the first few times. The reason for this is a mix of the Two Ps of why early-2000s Crim suck so much -- Production and Pat (Mastelotto, the lone drummer for King Crimson as of their ConstruKction-era reconstruKction). The production, like many modern albums, is such that you could commit a war crime with the contents of the disc. It's yet another hapless victim of the "loudness war," albeit not on level to fight with Vapor Trails or similar. However, it makes the already crappy-sounding electronic drums sound even crappier. Pat Mastelotto, credited with "drums, traps and buttons" played basically just these. I guess the traps and buttons are like vampires and bit the drums somewhere along the way, turning them into more crappy electronics to invade all of the songs that didn't already have non-electronic drums. I have nothing against electronic drums. I'm a big fan, for instance, of Kraftwerk, Rammstein, and Depeche Mode, all of whom use electronic drums extensively. The difference is, they make them sound good because they mesh with the band's sound. They don't mesh with King Crimson, though, so they sound hopelessly out of place and drag the album down.

"EleKtrik," though, is still a good song. It's very well-arranged, which is about all you need out of King Crimson. Well-performed? That goes without saying. Even on a bad day, King Crimson can outplay 99% of bands if all they had to play with were their big toes. "Facts of Life" is easily the best of the vocal songs, but the lyrics do tend to err on the dippy side. "Six billion ants / crawling on a plate / none of the them give back / as much as they take?" Ixnay on the Ooltay, guys. If I wanted crappy post-grunge quasi-punk teenager-friendly "social commentary," I'd listen to bands who actively specialize in it. Mostly facts, indeed, of life, though, so I can't knock them for possibly passing off bullshit as truth to the gullible. Someone said the arrangement is bluesy? My experience with the blues is a little limited, but if you put Pat Mastelotto into a box somewhere far away and let him not play electronic drums, I might give it to you (after you replace the drummer, that is. I hear Vinnie Colaiuta is busy recording an only half-decent album for Megadeth ca. this time. Sic 'em, boys!). Still a cool song despite the sheer sonic ugliness.

"Dangerous Curves," then. Interesting. A high-tension, electronic, dark instrumental with a great buildup. It doesn't go much of anywhere, but who cares anymore? The song is definitely good, and going nowhere seems to be customary for a lot of King Crimson extended dick-arounds. Is it my favorite song on this album? Uh, I'd rather you didn't ask that. That would require me to actually think about this more, and probably go find the used record shop where I sold the album and re-buy it again. It would probably still be there, too. Even if the store had been demolished two years ago. Look up at the cover art: would you want people to know you bought something that looked like that?

So, final count: Three good songs (all long), three pieces of pointless shit (all short), and a lot of middleground (longer). Even if this album were unequivocally bad in terms of arrangement and production, it's King Crimson. It's still pretty good. But it's not worthy of the praise piled onto it by some of the fanbase. It'd make an okay addition to one's CD collection and is an interesting curio. It's not worth the $16 that it's being sold for on the band's site. For a dollar more you can get the far superior Absent Lovers (a 2CD live album from 1984) and get your Fripp/Belew fix. And really, I think I'd be least distressed by the existence of a Steven Wilson-remastered version of this album.

I seem to have gotten off-track, but. Buy it used, I guess.

The worst part is that it took me three years to form a solid opinion on this.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

Release: September 12, 2008
Genre: Thrash metal
Label: Warner Bros. Records
Length: 74:48

Nick's Rating: 3/5

It's hard to believe that this record is this good if all you do is listen to cranky metalheads who lament about selling out and just generally hate on Metallica for doing it so often, as if they're implying that popular music is bad. It doesn't surprise me that they believe this way, considering how they seem to make a contest of listening to the hardest-to-listen-to song. But why are we hating on Metallica for releasing a "throwback" record? You'd get more accomplished by giving Hosni Mubarak grief for stepping down as President of Egypt. Fans had been clamoring for a return to thrash for years!

Well, to say it's a complete return to thrash is bullshit. The album is far too heavily informed by alternative rock and, at times, nu-metal (gag! vomit!) to be a real return to the thrash of yore... but at the same time thrash fans pretend it has no worthwhile musical ideas. Nonsense! The album is actually not half bad, as far as the arrangements and performances go. Another thing entirely, though, is the production; this album sounds like a cat turd after being digested by a dog. It's really not all the fault of Rick Rubin, who finally produced a Metallica album after producing at least one album by every other band ever; by some reports, the tapes arrived to sound engineer Ted Jensen brickwalled already. Translation: recorded too loud. Sounds like shit and would have sounded like shit anyway without some serious work, the kind of thing that Rick Rubin doesn't seem capable of, going by the sheer dryness of his Red Hot Chili Peppers productions.

So, what are the good songs? "That Was Just Your Life," "All Nightmare Long," and "Cyanide" are the obvious ones. "That Was Just Your Life" is fast and strong, complete with slow-moving intro like the band's other album-opening thrash masterpieces, although it is significantly slower in pace than songs like "Battery" or even "Blackened." It still is pretty quick with nice riffs, and features lead singer James Hetfield singing fast. Maybe this is borrowing a little from nu-metal and trying to resemble rapping? Although it's not quite there... which is part of why I can look at this as not being complete ham. Sure, it is hammy, but it's sung by James Hetfield. Of course there's going to be some ham, especially post-...And Justice for All.

"All Nightmare Long," then, is quite similar arrangement, but much different in vocal style (much slower with the words actually being enunciated!) and with, in my opinion, more interesting riffs. Right at the beginning: bass. Heavy bass. So much for this being a successor to Justice. Either that or the Metallica guys have gotten older and more mellow with age and don't feel like fucking with Robert Trujillo, the band's new bassist. So, the intro excites me for pointless reasons, but it does introduce a very cool theme that doesn't get reused as much as it should in the song. The riffs in the vicinity of the chorus remind me of battle music or something -- pretty appropriate, then. The lyrics don't make sense, but this is Metallica, they don't need to make sense. They make the Beatles' "Savoy Truffle" look not-silly and about something resembling a weighty philosophical topic by comparison. I'm still wondering how "zombie apocalypse" became the theme for the video, then. Joke must be on us.

"Cyanide" is different. Cyanide is legitimately catchy, one of the shortest numbers on the record, based around actual hooks. It even feels like they were thinking about funk during initial writing (eventually probably just said "funk it," though). The lyrics are trite, though, unsurprisingly. I guess it has something to do with depression and being near suicide? Metallica aren't good with this subject. Shock, I know. You could get more interesting lyrics from a sleepng garbageman. But I'll take it over generic death-growl crap any day. Like I said, the riff is an excellent one. Probably comes alive in concerts nicely. I should note, though, that I really hated the song at the time of release, so tread lightly.

But what else is left? None of the rest is that interesting... but I can't say I hate any of it, save "The Judas Kiss." Did any ideas go into this song at all? Because, if so, I cannot find them. At all. At... all... Add to this that it drags on for eight minutes and is totally forgettable in every way, and you have good cause to be deeply disappointed in this gilded turd. I guess that "Suicide & Redemption" isn't too great, either, but in the end it qualifies, even if it drags on forever.

The rest? Average all over. "The Day That Never Comes," a "One" knockoff, would probably have been better had it not been run into the fucking ground by radio before the album's release. Not to mention, the guitar solo seems to really drag on. The lyrics are a tad lame, though. "Love is a our-letter word?" Very clever, Little Jimmy. This may be why people say your songwriting sucks.

"Day" is eight minutes long. There, we've found the main problem that's not the abominable production -- the length! Every song needs to have a few minutes cut off. We get it, Kirk Hammett is a good guitarist. But really, now, there is a limit. A good guitarist knows when he's broken it. Unless he's Kirk Hammett, apparently. The album is just too bloated to be called anything other than average-good. End of story.