Sometimes I'm just happier not understanding.

X Japan - Jealousy
Release: July 1, 1991 (Original release)
February 14, 2007 (Special Edition)
Genre: Speed metal
Label: Ki/oon Records
Length: 51:23

Nick's Rating: 3.5/5

I don't like to brag, but I think I have pretty good taste in music. Or, well, I thought I did until I decided it was time to check out X Japan. I guess this is just part of my "listen to things from all around the world" quest, and I'm afraid to trudge into the territory of Vocaloid songs without at least six guides holding my hands, and I don't feel like being a tug-of-war rope. So, a conservative choice (albeit one that would make political conservatives vomit). I got hold of this album, the special edition version with seven bonus tracks (instrumental versions of the vocal numbers from the album), and gave it a listen.

Shockingly, I liked it. I mean, it was good. It was very good. But not good as in "quirky kitsch" like Porcelain and the Tramps, and not good as in "written by a genius lyrical wordsmith" like Sparks, and not necessarily good as in "masterful instrumentalism" like King Crimson, or even good as in "abstract and demanding" like Cynic. It's more the "immaculately-made mid-level speed metal" of any 'good' third generation speed-metal band (discounting thrash, which is a whole new genre in and of itself). Let's not talk about the visual appearance... this music owes endless debt to Budgie and Iron Maiden. There is no escaping this. NO ESCAPE. NO ESCAPE...

Ahem. If you're looking for musical genius, don't start here, by any means. There are a few more genius musical moments than your average KISS record (they're purportedly big fans, or were), but that's not saying much. To be fair, though, the riffs that populate all of the good-ish five songs are worthwhile. However, maybe to make this as close to "quick and painless" as possible, let's go through the things I hate first, then what I'm lukewarm about, then what I actually like. I'm not even gonna try any analysis here; I can't understand a fucking WORD of this, and I could do without looking at the album cover again.

I utterly despise "Voiceless Screaming" and "Say Anything." Sometimes, ballads work. The minimalistic, acoustic-only "Voiceless Screaming" sounds great at first, like it might be kinda like Elvis Costello's "Little Triggers" (This Year's Model is still one of my favorite albums ever.), but it's not. The problem is that vocalist Toshimitsu Deyama (Toshi) over-emotes and sounds really, really whiny here. Taiji Sawada donates a nice arrangement, but otherwise... "Say Anything" has basically the same problem, but worse. It doesn't even have the benefit of a good arrangement. Sad, because Yoshiki Hayashi donates good songs elsewhere.

The instrumentals... well, it all depends on my mood. Two are introductions, one is just kinda weird. I'm talking about "Love Replica," and I'm counting it as instrumental even if it lists lyrics from deceased lead guitarist Hideto "hide" Matsumoto. I don't hear much in that area except a few abstract French statements. It's too long for being a weird pseudo-experimental mostly-electronic track. I guess it's cool, but it's sleep-inducing. Tomoaki Ishizuka (Pata) contributes "White Wind from Mr. Martin ~Pata's Nap~," which is the intro to "Voiceless Screaming." I like it, but it's really just the expected dicking around with an acoustic guitar. Nothing special. Likewise "Es Dur no Piano Sen" (I had to look that one up), though it does have this nice little break toward the end where everything just stops and there's a brief bit of chaos with the piano. That's Yoshiki's first contribution to the album, and it's the intro to "Silent Jealousy."

Speaking of which, I love "Silent Jealousy." I'm not ashamed. It's actually a decent number. I think the piano really makes it a hell of a lot more interesting than just another speedy riff-based song. At seven minutes long, it had better be interesting. It is. From what I've read, there's something from Swan Lake excerpted in that piano break toward the middle, but I couldn't tell you for sure. I just know that it sounds good, and this is where Toshi's strength as a vocalist lies.

Next in line: "Miscast" -- it's a great title, as if I could use one to sum up everything about the band, it would be that. Or maybe "Drain," but that's another review. The soung is even a little heavier than the last one with no regard for instrumental genius. It just rock pretty nicely, which is about all I need from an X Japan song. That's why I still listen to "Desperate Angel." It rocks nicely, even if it really is nothing special.

The real fun of this record is listening to "Stab Me in the Back" while you know what it's about. Hint: It's about being the receiving partner in anal sex. The lyrics were written by someone from outside the band (Hitomi Shiratori, according to Wikipedia), so take that as you will. I've also heard that Yoshiki thinks it's his favorite song (though I could be wrong), so tanke that as you will. You have a good night, now.

Oh, right. The song. It's pretty okay. It's the thrashiest number on here, and like most "thrashiest numbers" on records from thrash's heyday (i.e. pre-Black Album), is not always the funnest thing to listen to, unless you can't get enough of the sounds of heavy traffic (not the film, no). It's well-written and well-performed, but also lacks that technical edge that made Master of Puppets so good. "Damage, Inc." this ain't.

That just leaves "Joker." I don't know what to think of this one. It's kind of... not as good as my other favored songs, but I do like it. It's just kind of hard to remember. Maybe it's the vocals? I feel like I can make more sense of them, and I'm not sure I like that idea. Thankfully, the instrumental versions...

Well, there you go. I was probably a little hard on this record, but I don't consider it godlike. It's not really bad, though, either, just... it's not the first thing I'd take down to listen to if I was going to drive back to Chicago. Though, neither is Ghost in the Machine, which is a long-standing favorite of mine. It's well-performed, but not terribly special in terms of arrangement.

P.S. to any fans who may get prissy about fouling up information, please post a comment to this entry if I've gotten something wrong. I had to look a LOT of shit up on Wikipedia, which tends to have this effect... you get it.

From the other end of the spectrum...

Bruce Cockburn - The Trouble with Normal
Release: Unknown date 1983 (Original release)
Unknown date 1992 (Remastered with bonus tracks)
Genre: Post-punk
Label: True North Records
Length: 42:22

Nick's Rating: 4.5/5

A friend of mine was listening to Barenaked Ladies' cover of "Lovers In a Dangerous Time," which was originally written by this artist (pronounced as "Coburn," so you know). He tried to argue with me that Cockburn was not as good as Barenaked Ladies. If he'd only heard the one song by Cockburn, I could understand that. The new wave sound used for Stealing Fire and a few songs here make the messages hard to take. He'd probably heard more, and I... would still argue his point. It's a matter of personal taste, though. There are a few things about many of Cockburn's 80s records, though, that could do anything but endear prospective listeners to him. A lot of his masterful guitar work is gone, and not much separates these songs from Saga's debut, albeit informed with a little more new wave and post-punk. I like this style, but you might not.

One thing about this style, though, is that absorbing the musical skill doesn't feel like a chore. Sure, these are comparatively subtle in terms of displaying that Cockburn was a musical whiz, but when one confines him/herself to the limits of new wave, where's the room for stretching out? The Cars could have been musical gods to rival Hendrix, Bonham, Wakeman and Levin, but you'd never have known it. Listening to the title track and "Candy Man's Gone," though, you do get the feeling of a musical genius being locked into a self-imposed challenge: "I will make you think just like I did when I was just armed with an acoustic, while I cleave through what sprung from the Maels' worshipers." If you need proof, proceed from here. The instrumentation doesn't change much, but "Hoop Dancer" is blatantly post-punk instead of such a specific definition as new wave. So it's not as dark as Joy Division... there's more to life than darkness, which you'd know if you listened to the damn song. There's still light in this dark place. there's still some beauty in a world made ugly.

The words weave in and out between the virtuoso chaos, just as the virtuoso chaos does with itself. The song wears its Lou Reed inspiration on its sleeve like Emilie Autumn doesn't with her Tori Amos inspiration. It's weird, but it's well worth listening to, just because it sounds cool. Sure, it might drag on a while, but that's kind of the point. It can't all be (what he calls) "fashionable fascism!" Fuck the three-minute rule! Cockburn prefers himself a four-minute rule anyway... that's plenty of time to say something! Plenty of people can't say anything in that time, but Cockburn does it with gusto!

Okay, okay. "Waiting for the Moon" isn't ever gonna be cited as a favorite by me, but it's nice and calm after all that chaos, and after all, there's a lot more chaos to come. A dystopia probably isn't your ideal world (in fact, I'm fairly sure it's not), but while Cockburn gives you one, you kind of want to join him there to watch it all... sink. "Tropic Moon" is kind of also in that new wave/post-punk fusion area, but there isn't much else to say there. It's still a good song, I just can't describe it. It's not really that chaotic, either. I could describe that.

"Going Up Against Chaos," though, is chaotic indeed, and it's just weird. It has to be heard to be really described. There's more order to it than a lot of songs here, but that middle eight will continue to screw with your mind for a while (The closest I can come to describing it is a piano falling down the stairs... then the stairs falling on the piano.). It's probably my favorite song, because there aren't many things like it, much as some would like to say otherwise. I think it's because of the (electric) piano sounds, because that instrument's rarer than it should be in the genre. "Put Our Hearts Together" is pretty much exactly what you'd expect, albeit more angry and political. This must be why Wikipedia marks it as pop rock. There's not a lot of pop about much of the rest of this, you know.

The last two songs are not the best but are both okay. "Civilization and Its Discontents" its like a shorter, more staccato-based version of "Hoop Dancer," but with less of a spoken-word base than the aforementioned. At least, during the verses. The chorus, oddly, takes a sudden change. In fact, the song doesn't know what it wants to be, like it's nervous... very nervous. Talking Heads' "Life During Wartime" was probably the most paranoid song I'd heard until I put this one on. It's not directly paranoid, really, but at the same time... aw, fuck, I don't know. However, the best part is definitely that ending when it starts slowing down a lot. Very cool and irregular. The closer "Planet of the Clowns" reminds me of "Waiting for the Moon," so... you know what I think already of that. Kind of a boring way to end the album, but at least it makes it feel less chokingly hopeless... and I guess the line about waves rolling on the beach sounding like a squadron of F-16s is pretty damn vivid.

To be honest, I haven't got much to say about this. No pop culture jokes. No real jabs at anyone, no smarmy nicknames, no I'm-so-clever secret dick jokes... it's too good of an album for that. It manages to be beautiful without being a drag. It presents its views in a not-too-brutal way, and it's actually fun to listen to. Unlike all those Genesis pop albums, you get the feeling that Cockburn is a good songwriter with real musical skill from this disc. My only real regret here is that I couldn't find the newer CD with bonuses anywhere, which is what I get for living in Ugly America.

Okay, I guess a few snide remarks couldn't be avoided.

I'm glad I was lucky enough to find it on vinyl a few years ago. These days, you can't find anything on vinyl in listenable condition without shelling out the kind of money you usually reserve for diamond-encrusted Ferraris. Well... you get the picture. Vinyl is fucking expensive these days.

The ultimate proof that I have to stop trusting people on the internets.

Porcelain and the Tramps - s/t (EP)
Release: Unknown time 2010
Genre: Industrial Rock
Label: N/A
Length: 36:54

Rating: 3/5

Something I've covered before is how the world currently seems to be locked in endless 90s nostalgia in the past few years. It manifests itself in the eruption of praise you might witness being spewed from every critic's mouth about records like Stone Temple Pilots (not a bad album, really, but quite visibly backwards-looking, and can you name anything they did after 1995-ish?), Backspacer, Chinese Democracy, and Opheliac (which owes debt to Nine Inch Nails like you wouldn't believe). Unsuprisingly, several bands are interested in feeding into this as a means of getting a larger audience. Among these are groups like Shinedown, Tantric, and Godsmack, who polish their nu-metal sound with blatant grunge love, occasionally adding a pseudo-spiritual element (which is something that a lot of grunge bands didn't seem to care about).

Meanwhile, there are... other bands, like this, who don't give a shit about spirituality, or newer sounds. In short, the sound of Porcelain and the Tramps' eponymous EP (which is not an official release, and exists only as a fan-made EP of MP3s gathered from bandleader Alaina Beaton's MySpace site for the group.) is the 1990s all over again. Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails-inspired hard pop rock where it's pretty okay, and almost cool, to drop the F-bomb. Alaina uses it like she's trying out to be the female Penn Jillette for an episode of Bullshit!, except that she can't wail with his level of vengeful conviction. She tries at times, but rarely does it ever even show up, let alone seem like she's any good at it, let alone that she ever seems to have a reason for it, except to be nineties.

Okay, I'm a nineties guy. I like Rammstein, so there's a few points there. However, most of the rest of my nineties' culture favorites are Magic: The Gathering, the Nintendo 64, grunge music, Mr. Show, and EarthBound. I'm cool with Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson. However, with few exceptions, I don't buy the whole "you swear, you're cool" thing. "Cool" was Contract From Below into a Yawgmoth's Will. I played Magic with my brother where we faked ante, so this was possible. This also won't make any sense to anyone ever. In short, I was a mild-mannered nerd with a modestly clean mouth and who was fed his revolutions by The Man. (Hilarious, by the way, how every revolutionary class of music was claimed by The Man in the end, isn't it?) As a result, in terms of nineties nostalgia, this doesn't thrill me. Nor does it thrill me as an industrial fan; inspired by inspired by inspired by industrial really isn't very industrial at all. Call it scathingly rough-cut, deeply skew versions of Some Great Reward-era Depeche Mode.

That's a good point to bring up, though. The album is nothing if not catchy and kind of kitschy in its half-nostalgic posturing. The subject du jour, unsurprisingly, is sex... which seems out of place when sung by a creepy girl in a gas mask, but that's beside the point. I guess anything can be sexy, and we live in an era of Lady Gaga and Bayonetta and a lot of other weird shit that some people find sexy. Can't "raving psycho bitch" be a class of moe, too? If Vocaloid fandom is any indication, yes it can. Why all these references? I was submitted this item by people who would be able to feign understanding of this same shit. (No, I don't even think I understand it.)

In brief, the matter is this: there is no inspiration here from a lyrical stance besides the trademark "Nineties Guy" scowl and a desire to get laid. It sounds heinous, but it does include a few good songs, as do most concepts that sound bad. Ignore the lyrics; they're trite shit. The arrangements are well-enough-done that you can ignore that those are pretty much worthless, too. They're your basic alternative arrangements but more industrial-rocky. "I Feel Perfect" is probably my favorite, reminding me of "Closer" meets "Mama" (the Genesis song). "Redlight District" was exposed to me by a fan of Pandora Hearts, so I can't stop associating it with a character from that series. Surprisingly, that makes it more amusing. It's so hard to read, though; is it an indictment of the sex-crazed world we live in, or is it a serious, blatant come-on? One last: "My Leftovers" is probably one of the heaviest songs on the album (except maybe "I'm Your Favorite Drug"), which makes it kidn of endearing, proving that, with the right volume and mix, nothing matters in rock except the ROCKING.

Okay, I lied about that "one last" thing, as I have to give credit to one more song. "Fuck Like a Star," the third track on the EP, is oddly cute, perhaps due to its über-vulgar title and lyrics. It's definitely not the arrangement; musically speaking, it's basically just kind of a cheesy pop song, machine music that most people could come up with. It could just be the opening, a joke on censorship and what you can get away with. It's a profanity-laden rant by Alaina, heavily filtered, with all of the words that are directly banned from broadcast blanked out. It's incredibly foul and sounds like the worst of hip-hop misogyny (Alaina DID start her career as a rapper), but it could probably be broadcast... and it makes the ending "Ahahahaha... OOPS!" of the song that much sillier. All in all, it's kind of cute, but largely pointless. At once, I want this to become big and to actually see Alaina release an album already, but at the same time... it's nothing special. No-one woudl be caught dead singing these songs unless they were shit-faced fucking drunk.

Footnote: Alaina now records as just Porcelain. This EP is, again, not commercially available, and it consisted of the following songs: "King of the World," "My Leftovers," "Fuck Like a Star," "You Want," "Sugar Cube," "The Preyingmantis," "Transparent," "I Feel Perfect," "I'm Your Favorite Drug," and "Redlight District." There was no cover for this.

No, really, ONE of us IS still alive!

The Reasoning - Dark Angel
Release: October 9, 2008
Genre: Progressive rock
Label: Comet Music
Length: 51:35

Nick's Rating: 4/5

It was briefly fashionable in the progressive rock world, for those bands who knew what fashion was, to borrow your style from Porcupine Tree. While I have respect for Steven Wilson and all of his projects, as Porcupine Tree the man, as Porcupine Tree the band, producing Opeth or being a King Crimson fanboy, I am deeply disappointed by this fact. The reason why Mr. Tree became so big is mostly because of In Absentia (a good album), Deadwing (even better), and Fear of a Blank Planet (too heavy-handed at times, but pretty cute), especially that first one. At the time, I hated it. I still think it's not nearly the band's best, but their catalogue also includes Lightbulb Sun, so what can you do about that?

At around the same time, metal bands also put out a decent number of "return to form" albums (Voivod's self-titled, Megadeth's The System Has Failed and United Abominations) or made it big (Nightwish's Once). Thank you for mentioning Nightwish, also; Dark Angel borrows enough pieces of gothic-style metal that, at first, you will want to grit your teeth and ask "Where the fuck did I hear this from, and when did it get so damn slow?" A lot of the album is like that, really, but more of it draws from the more obvious progressive influences like Porcupine Tree and Marillion, and thankfully, just because it draws a lot from these bands and is based a reasonable bit on a super-predictable musical model (which may be closer to Epica or early After Forever, if the latter sounds like what I think it does, in that it cares a lot about having male vocals be as important as female vocals. Unlike Epica, though, the male vocals are actually clean.). Thankfully, it's a good one, but it does detract a lot from how interesting the album is.

I can't really say what song is "best," they all have basically the same good and bad to them. Most of them sound too much like someone was listening to Nightwish or, dare I say it, Evanescence, when writing these, and the genre's need for complexity is rarely met (as is basically the case with Porcupine Tree). I guess I'll just go with the second song, "Sharp Sea," which probably is about a vampire tring to seduce her victim, or... something, I don't even want to know, okay? The important parts that contribute to my counting this as good is that it reminded me a lot of Deadwing/Fear-era Porcupine Tree in its general sound, and the melody of the chorus seems to recall the song "Survival" from Yes' very first album. I always loved that song, and trying to replicate its melody is a noble cause. "Call Me God?" is pretty cute, too, for similar reasons as why everything on Deadwing or Fear is. It's strong and sardonic, which is fun ad just right for the modern audience. In fact, this whole album, even at its most average (almost all of it!) is pretty cute, because it could fit just as well into the playlists of a fan of neo-prog and a Twihard. (Defining my opinions on Twilight is a fait accompli, but I still find this adorable.)

Though it's not exactly on-topic, I think I should say it anyway: there seems to be an odd construct about rock music today, that, for the large part, it's still the domain of men, to the point where the presence of a female member of the band immediately is a focal point. Have a look at the pictures for The Reasoning on last.fm and count how many don't focus a fair bit on Rachel Cohen. Almost every picture features her, and many feature ONLY her. For those pictures that don't show her, you'll notice they're usually very low down the list (the images are ordered according to how much they're liked, by the way). It's probably sexual, and I guess I can understand that, but most fans, regardless of whether sex is the point, will focus more on Cohen as the lead singer than the musicality of the album, which is disappointing. If The Reasoning made it big today, it would probably be because people would be trying to focus on how best to compare it to Evanescence or how sexy the lead singer is (if the label was really corrupt), when they'd be missing the entire point, that these are actually good songs.

Okay, so I'm being a little cynical, but this is a good album, shockingly, and one of the proofs that modern music is not dead, but that its vitality lies in something the radio doesn't want to grasp hold of, like this, or Traced In Air, or Voivod. The old mainstays have led us to Linkin Park and Lady Gaga taking home massive quantities of records. My qualms with Lady Gaga are mostly faded, but she's not as good as everyone gives her credit for, or at least unwilling to show that she is, and Linkin Park won't be forgiven for making me think, in my youth, that they were good thanks to their prevalence in AMVs and the like. We all make bad decisions in our life, indeed. Buying Dark Angel wouldn't be one of those. I'm only suggesting you buy it this time because this is an artist in desperate need of support. Mainstream professional critics can't be assed to write about it, there's no singles, and no advertisements for it. How will people who are too lazy to search for things going to discover this album, then?

Yes, I am actually extolling the virtues of mainstream critics and advertising for once. I'm going to go stab myself in the back for you right now. And I guess I didn't go over a lot of the songs in much depth, but there isn't a lot of depth to this album.

Album Review: Guns n' Roses - Chinese Democracy

Guns n' Roses - Chinese Democracy
Release: November 23, 2008
Genre: Rock
Label: Geffen Records
Length: 71:18

Nick's Rating: 2.5/5

Oh, the pain, my flesh is burning. Listening to this album was so hard, and writing this review is even harder. The album's greatest success is only as a whole, and even that's not exactly on a musical level. Chinese Democracy is a nightmarish ride through an obsession with Nine Inch Nails finally being brought to the forefront, a trek through the marshes of mediocrity (it contributes three good songs, a few aveage ones, and some true shit to the GNR legacy), but most importantly, a look deep into the shallow depths of Axl's soul.

I don't really know why this is a GNR record. Why, because Dizzy Reed contributed "Silkworms," which didn't even make the album, anyway? It's just another of Axl's megalomaniac tendencies, showing that he was the band, when his whiny vocals tended not to suit a band who sang about bad neighbors, living poor, and Night Train. Meanwhile, Rose's needle-like vocalizations actually benefit this album in most of the places where they're audible. While I would probably have vomited if they completed the lead vocals of "Shackler's Revenge," he manages to pull out well enough on some of the ballads.

But first, we should look at some of the things that were NOT included -- should we be thankful? Actually, no. If a few of the more uninteresting songs (such as "Scraped," which I can't even remember now, and "There Was a Time") were cut for "Silkworms" and "Oh My God," the album would probably be a lot better off.

Speaking of better, I'm finally beginning to be okay with that song. At the time the album was first released until about a week ago, I hated it. The hook was limp and the lyrics were just another of Rose's wanky indictments of everyone who 'betrayed' him. Truth be told, the hook is poor, and the into is almost a complete dealbreaker, as is the middle section, but it's a pretty good song, because of its... uh, distorted to the point of cleanness (boy, that Axl Rose is nuts, ain't he?)... main riff, over which Axl explains his plight with an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or something that I can be even less arsed to figure out than... most other things, actually. The fact is, the song sounds like several GNR songs, and I can't quite place which one/s off-hand, and that's probably why I actually grew to like it. It's still a pale shadow of those old songs (Axl, when oh when do we get another "Right Next Door to Hell?" Or another "Mr. Brownstone?"), and the nineties nostalgia consumes the entire song.

That's probably the big problem with this album -- the change in sound. There's nothing wrong with this, of course, but GNR cannot do this very well, not to mention that any time this sound is used, it already sounds like it's been done so much before that it cannot provide any sort of pleasure at all, and it devoids songs of any vitality, with few exceptions. For a good example, check out "I.R.S.," which wasn't necessarily a great song in the first place, but in older demos, the riff came to life and didn't sound like it was cheaply made on a computer. Now, as it stands, it's cute, but utterly worthless, and if earlier songs weren't proof that the skip button was the greatest thing to happen to the CD player since... the CD player... you'll be up and heading for the machine as the plastic-forged riff rears its lifeless head. I mean, I do like a few songs whose riffs could've been a rip-roarin' demon of a distortion-wall but got frozen into a fragile form, but there has to be a reason for this other than wanting to test out the latest technology from the early 1990s, about when Axl probably locked himself in his room to cry about how everything should change. Eventhing except the music, of course -- otherwise, why would Nine Inch Nails' Robin Finck or Josh Freese, who now is a member of Devo of all groups to have any association with Axl Rose, be needed at any point along the record's development?

There are only two reasons why you shouldn't turn this album off after the first three tracks, but neither is very great... they're just good. The first is in the form of Rhiad and the Bedouins Riyadh and the Bedouins Riad n' the Bedouins, where Axl Rose proves his controlling nature by changing the name of the song not once but twice during its development to simply change the spelling. That... is perfectionism. "I don't give a fuck 'bout them / 'cause I. Am. CRAZY!" indeed, Axl. May I recommend Prozac? Did you predict the future and steal dialogue from Crazy Dave of Plants vs. Zombies, mate? Lyrically it's a suckjob, yes, but it has a damn good riff for swimming in a sea of mediocrity. The other, though, wins solely on an emotional level, and that's closer "Prostitute," which seems to manage the 'forlorn' feeling Axl was going for throughout the whole album, where you finally can actually feel for Axl and his self-induced abandonment. Of course, lyrically, it's the same dumb shit you should expect from this man.

Of course, the two absolute best songs (to me) sit at the very start of the album. The title track, despite its completely unnecessary massive, cinematic, string-flooded opener, actually pulls out a nice opener and, unbelievably, acceptable, if generic vocals (probably because the actual lead seens to be handled by someone else with Axl in the back!) that actually allow the bitterness and anger (probably not directed at the People's Republic in the title, but at some other backstabber) that, combined with the fact that the song has something resembling drive, make it pretty much of a winner. Its pair, then, is the restrained, brooding, not... not necessarily creepy or even dark, but definitely making a good attempt at it... "Shackler's Revenge" boasts a lot of dynamic shifting that make it a startling and even disorienting listen, with the band aiming for a dark atmosphere and an almost honest account of a killer seeking to exterminate... another backstabber. Overall, very boring lyrically, but those dark vocals, and the weird-sounding solo section with the odd chorus in the background that sound like they want to be flamethrowers, while the bass remains invisible and the drums sound like plastic... it's very weird, which is a symptom the whole album suffers from, but it's actually shockingly good.

The album, though, brings up one very important point. Let's remind ourselves that the record took 15+ years to see release and has 14 tracks, of which two are great, three are modestly okay, and the other nine range from total shit to too unmemorable to be considered. I think, then, that we can make a simple test for a new album. If the ratio between years since last album and number of tracks on the album is 1 or greater, the album is probably not worth buying in whole. It's depressing; I like the 90s electronic-based rock 'scene,' which has given us great albums like Violator and Broken, but this half-assed tribute (musically speaking; lyrically... this album is oddly lacking on swears, so how close can it get to Reznorian dimensions, since Trent came up with that "I wanna fuck you like an animal" song. You know, "Closer"?) to that era leaves me damn cold in some places. The best parts, though, tend to resemble the songs of the style that GNR used to do so well before the hiatus. You know, back when Slash was in the band. Which just goes to show that this is a band that, even if they had only the one skill, had it in spades. Can we deny for even a minute that Appetite for Destruction and the Use Your Illusion saga were deserved gargantuans? Fuck no.

I should note, though, that I probably am a little bit bitter about having to buy this at fucking Best Buy, where I paid around $16 US for this CD new. I have always fucking hated Best Buy with every fiber of my existence, and this record's price versus its quality may have something to do with it. As well, I didn't get my free Dr. Pepper two years ago, but what can you do. I feel I was being conservative with this record's rating, but remember that 2.5 is basically a "just below average" on a scale of one to five. It's just extremely frustrating... and this record makes me want to take a fifteen-year nap before I post my next article.

Good lord, I am angry. I'll try to actually review something likable next time.

Cosplay!Get : Utena Tenjou

As a cosplayer, one of the best feelings in the world is to get a costume out there that you feel proud of. If you're wearing it and you're having a great time, then you can consider it an outfit well made. Recently I've posted about my in-progress Utena Tenjou cosplay, from Revolutionary Girl Utena.

I'm really proud of this costume; it reflects how far I've come as a cosplayer. Way back when I was making my first messy hand-stitches in 2006, I never really thought I'd ever manage a tailored coat with full props. The coat here was created from a basic women's suit jacket pattern, with each side elongated to form the 'flaps'. The crinoline was rouched and sewn on the inside of the panels in a manner that would not show the stitches on the outside.

All props for my group were created by me; most gems were moulded out of dyed, poured epoxy resin, or sculpted out of clay. It's here where I've found that my talents really lie in prop creation as opposed to sewing. I'm not a good seamstress at all, really, but I love to make all the little (or large!) finicky, shiny things that make a costume pop out in a crowd.

My two fellow cosplayers were good friends of mine, and I was really lucky to be able to stick around them for the entire weekend of Anime North 2010. All in all, a really comfy, really good looking, and really fun costume to wear!

Review: Ico

Title: Ico
Developer: Team Ico
Platform: PlayStation 2

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Regarding Fumito Ueda's minimalist puzzle-adventure Ico, the cat's kind of been out of the bag for a while. The substantially more successful Shadow of the Colossus garnered interest in Mr. Ueda's previous work, and the upcoming The Last Guardian (which was conspicuously absent from this year's E3) has fired off rumors of an Ico and Shadow of the Colossus two-pack Hi-Definition re-release. So Fumito Ueda is the vanguardist Japanese developer of the moment; in the West, at least.

I don't like how many reviewers speak in hushed, reverent tones about Ico, though, like it's not a video game. "Step back, guys; now this, this is art!" I don't know Mr. Ueda, but I figure he knows that people like his games not only because they're soothing and emotional, but also because they're fun. There is an alternate, lightly humorous ending in Ico, you know, and also a hidden lightsaber weapon that dissipates enemies in one swing. (These features were omitted from the North American release, however.) And since there are already a lot of reviews of Ico out there that recycle the stock terms ("poignant", "gorgeous", "unique", etc.), I'm just going to give a straightforward commentary on what is admittedly one of my favorite games.

Ico begins simply enough. The titular character is a small boy with taurine horns jutting out of his head, and he's being carried by armored men into a seaside castle shrouded in mist. Ico, as all horned boys before him, is going to be sacrificed "for the good of the village". But he manages to escape his premature tomb, and meets a perturbingly beautiful girl named Yorda. Now, the two will attempt to escape the castle's stone bowels, but the Queen, apparently Yorda's mother, will not allow her to leave. All of this is told through sparse cinematic sequences spoken in a fictional language. About two thirds of the subtitles are in English, while the rest are in really pretty-looking hieroglyphs, which we are to assume correspond to the fictional language.

The meat of the game consists of, as the nimble Ico, navigating the castle's various areas, climbing ladders and working switches to manipulate the environment in such a way that Yorda can safely cross to the next area. Each place is a massive puzzle, and none of them are outstandingly hard. To hinder your progress, a black vortex will periodically appear, letting forth a host of smoke-creatures who will try to whisk Yorda away. Ico has to ward them off with a stick (and later a sword). Combat is very rough, limited to mashing Square until the enemies dissipate and the vortex disappears. Seeing as Ico is a boy as opposed to a capable swordsman, this makes sense, but doesn't save fighting from becoming monotonous. Fortunately these sequences are always quite short and never too frequent. The game can be completed in something like six hours, but as I mentioned, there is some extra content to motivate a second run.

Are there technical issues? Definitely, but none are very frustrating. Probably the only one that really stands out is Yorda's A.I. Sometimes she simply won't know what to do. Ico may extend his hand to help her cross a chasm, and she'll just stand there. Ico may take a seat to initiate the game-saving process, and she'll just stand there. Ico may call her to climb down a ladder, and halfway down, she'll start climbing back up. But you'll come to love Yorda, felicitously, even if your particular Yorda is a little damaged in the head.

Now, regarding what is probably the most commonly evoked term for this game--atmosphere--, Mr. Ueda shows his predilection for exposition through simplicity in Ico. Despite how gray things may look, it all works in blacks and whites; the key to Ico's freedom is magical light, while smoking shadows try to drag Yorda into imprisonment. Yorda herself is an ethereal, almost alien white, immediately asserting her status as some sort of royalty or unearthly deity beside Ico, who is small and evidently human. The Queen is draped in black.

More famously, Mr. Ueda excels at size comparisons, conveying an almost dizzying sense of scale; this concept would later be worked into the very core of Shadow of the Colossus. The castle is an impossible feat of architectural sorcery. With the flip of a switch you will manipulate gigantic, rusted containers dangling from golden chains above a foggy abyss. Arched bridges stand infinitely tall over a churning, frigid sea. It is in certain platform sections that make great use of this setting that Ico shows the influence of Eric Chahi's Out of This World. Both are simplistic platform games about exploring alien worlds, punctuated by sparse music and dialogue. Out of This World is sci-fi and Ico is fantasy, but they use similar tricks: vast landscapes extend far beyond the player's range of movement, with vague shapes outlined against the endless sky. It always makes the player wonder what's over there. In the case of the castle, you will often find yourself looking into the distance to spot areas that you have already visited or will soon visit, establishing it as a real, concrete place. Or maybe you'll just force the camera way to the side to get a good look at the sea.

So Ico does a great job when it comes to building a fascinating world, and only letting you explore a diminute portion of it. This, of course, makes it all the more seductive. It deals with common and identifiable themes; a brave, kind youth seeks to free a beautiful damsel. Alienation, loss and longing for the past all play a part. It is a decidedly romantic adventure, and because all of these things are presented in clear and uncompromising images, they can pack a stronger punch than your usual narrative video game, which spins a long and winding yarn. When you're done with Ico, you'll probably have a lingering feeling of something, but then again, I suppose that's the case with many other video games.

But a nice aspect of Ico is that anyone can play it and complete it, no matter their 'specialization' when it comes to the games they play. It's a pretty succint and distinguished experience, although the organic build of the puzzles and the game's familiar silence can be very alluring; the first time I beat it, I immediately started a second round.

For what it's worth, I still like Ico better than Shadow of the Colossus, because it's more intimate, more disarming and more naïve. Or maybe I just think I prefer it because it's a little more obscure than its successor and I want to feel different. Either way, you'd do well to give it a try; you have very little to lose, anyway.

... Well, other than money. Ico fetches quite the price these days. Let's hope that rumor about an HD re-release is true, if only to make copies affordable again.

Album Review: Alice Cooper - Dragontown

Alice Cooper - Dragontown

Release: September 18, 2001

Genre: Rock

Label: Spitfire Records

Length: 50:48

Nick's Rating: 4/5

At times, it's easy enough to spot genius, even for the truly stupid. When you scan over rock music, you're bound to note the favorite genii of the average radio-listener in the Beatles, the Stones, Zep, et cetera; the genii of choice for the hipsters and neo-goths in Joy Division, The Cure, et cetera; metalheads' musical brains in Black Sabbath, Metallica*, et al.; and so many more. Sometimes, though, there are some that you do not expect to fill these positions, and yet, they do it deftly, fitting the throne as though it were built especially for them.

Alice Cooper is not the man you would expect to ever do this. He was smart, yes, but what did he do? Give Marilyn Manson his goonish costumes and make a few okay albums? Write a few hair-metal songs then fade away into Christian conservative golfer obscurity? Crank out shlock in the 70s then turn to shit? However, most people who say this forget a few things:

a) He was discovered by Frank fucking Zappa. Uncle Frank would not go out of his way to getCooper Vincent Furnier (back when 'Alice Cooper' was actually the band) onto his label if he thought the man was mediocre.

b) Marilyn Manson wasn't exactly his idea, and he... is indifferent, I'd say, to him.

c) "A few okay albums" are only the ones that sold, except the aforementioned hair-metal nonsense.

d) The hair metal was mostly just to either a) exploit that genre's typical listeners (you know, the guys who make pot shots at Donald Fagen just for his name) from 1986-7, or b) send a message in a medium that might be listened to from 1989-91 (well, in most cases, he was).

e) Most people are judging him by a maximum of five songs.

There's the rub, of course. Five songs, as many Muse fans hasten to tell me as I cringe at my radio, are not enough to judge an artist. You might be inclined to think of Cooper as only having developed the whole 'stage makeup' thing outside progressive rock and David Bowie. That may be. However, is it necessary to be a progenitor to be a genius? Wasn't now-deceased Voivod guitarist Denis "Piggy" D'Amour a genius? (The fanbase is inclined to believe so, at least) Did he invent technical thrash guitar? (Fuck no!)

It's this sort of genius that boils to the top with Alice Cooper's Dragontown, a fine, and wrongly-overlooked, album of the early 2000s, at a time when music was in severe self-conflict with no sign of an ending in sight. One of the major problems with this was that the then-common nu-metal artists, everyone from Disturbed to Godsmack to Otep and beyond, seemed to take themselves deadly serious. We're talking about Alice fucking Cooper here, though; if a Cooper album were completely serious, somebody's head would probably explode. (Again, Frank Zappa connection.) At the same time, though, Alice is not only less serious than these artists, but he's more serious (no, really), and has a real message (was there a message to Disturbed, et cetera?). On some level, you could say that Alice is overly preachy here, that he spends the album evangelizing on the nature of Hell and how all mankind are sinners. Well, yes, okay... but it's not like he's trying to convert us to Christianity, he's simply indicating the evils of the world. In all, agood message -- yeah, from the guy who wrote "School's Out."

It might be better to start this flea circus show at the very beginning, given its conceptual state. Generated in an era of semi-industrial hard-rock (following more along the Rammstein pattern, with its wry sense of humor), you'd be shocked to find that opening song "Triggerman" is basically just a psychedelic pop song with heavy guitar sounds as opposed to a lascerating 'links zwo drei vier!'-worthy death anthem. Boost this one a few more points with its lyrics from the point of view of Big Brother (with some mechanical effects applied to make the joke really sink in). What sets this apart from one of Alice's standard jokes, though? Black comedy has always been the Coop's modus operandi, situated somewhere between the nightmare and mildly creepy ends of the creepiness meter, but here Alice is intent on slamming it into the nightmare end. The first song is him doing his best to muster paranoia fuel incarnate -- and while he doesn't seem to be a master of that, "Triggerman" is at least a good rock song.

It's from here, though, that things take an interesting turn. A friend of mine called "Deeper" creepy. Said friend of mine had only ever been seen (by me) to be creeped out by one other thing, and that was Giygas. Even the second-most-nightmare-inducing boss I've yet run into, the mermaid boss in Rule of Rose, didn't much phase him. So, that stands as basically an explanation of how nasty this song is, as Alice leads you into an elevator straight to that place where Satan lurks. The fear of being trapped on a one-way street to the abyss, where anything could be lurking in the shadows, rides high throughout, and serves as the perfect introduction to "Dragontown," which is Hell itself, and appropriately dark and creepy.

For the most part though, the rest of the album is trivial, except the song "I Just Wanna Be God," which is a riot throughout, a truly humorous song that averts the creepiness of other parts of the album, but still proves that the Coop and his band are as great as they always have been... even if the band is not the same that came up with "I'm Eighteen" or, uh, anything on Billion Dollar Babies (you can choose your favorite), or even Welcome to My Nightmare. This is a much better band than chart success (yeah, right... the album scraped by at #197 or so without a trace) would have you believe. From here, the rest of the album is rather, again, trivial, but that's not to say you shouldn't listen to it. In terms of theme, the album retains a solid focus throughout and never stops being enjoyable, even if it's kind of preachy... but that's part of the point. The album succeeds on that level. One of the problems with the album, though, is that you might get bored with some songs, and particularly with being buried in social commentary on songs like "Fantasy Man" and "Somewhere in the Jungle" -- the latter of which, by the way, is certainly a haunting song about the Rwanda genocide, but, as would be expected of such a song, not easy to listen to.

The important point about this, though, is that, despite the occasional industrial and nu-metal stylings, this is essentially similar to just what Alice has always been doing, and the fact that it's been so forgotten is just unforgivable, especially since the media at large has a massive hard-on for 'classicism.' I recently purchased Stone Temple Pilots' self-titled album. Never in recent history have I heard so many uses of phrases such as 'Beatlesesque' thrown around. I just find it very odd that a media so obsessed with borrowing sound from classic rock records managed to only point out that this record borrows from a nu-metal sound and that it's a "good" record. The fact is, this record manages to visit the intended themes of the Coop's newest followers in the music industry, Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie, better that they have shown themselves able to. Songs like "Triggerman" and "I Just Wanna Be God" make the album a worthy purchase, while songs like "Deeper" and "Dragontown" show that the Coop is not only aging gracefully, but that he is still a true genius, because of just how many imitators he has generated. The 'nightmare' aspect Manson et al. go for in music, and which, in other media, something such as Eversion might seek, is done far better here than in such media, not to mention, the performance skill is great, considering it is, apparently, a nu-metal album.

By the way, I read somewhere that there's a 'special edition' of this album, but I have never actually been able to get hold of a copy of it.

*More well-read metalheads will tell you that this credit should go to Accept, among other bands, more than Metallica

Cosplay: Utena

I really enjoy cosplay. I'm comfortable in the costumes, having my pictures taken, props, everything. But let it be said that sometimes the process isn't the most smooth of ones. There's lots of stops and starts, as well as quite a bit of experimentation -- even when an outfit's done you're still thinking of ways to improve it. Enter Utena. I've been working on this for about a month now, on and off -- probably about 15 hours of work total?

There's still a lot to be done. But have some process pictures!

This coat forms the bulk of the costume proper. What you're seeing here is all the parts just pinned on, therefore, it's still in need of a bunch of tailoring, as well as figuring out the collar bits. But I'm really happy with what's done so far!

Utena's shoes are of the 'tuxedo' sort. Unfortunately, they don't make ones like hers in a tuxedo style if you're on a budget. Since I needed a comfortable alternative, I did kind of a nifty thing. White converse can be bought at any store for around $20. They're basically the same shape as Utena's shoes, so what did I do? Paint them!

These are just a few odds and ends I've been making out of clay and painting. The Resin is currently cooling outside.

And there you have it! A cosplay in process.

OST Review: Final Fantasy XIII

An OST review from one of our guest bloggers, Azkam.

Final Fantasy XIII OST (Standard English Edition)

Release: January 27, 2010

Length: 4:03:26

Azkam's Rating: 4/5

So What's the Deal?

First of all, I’d like to thank Sydney for bestowing upon me this wonderful 4-disc box of ear-candy. Delicious. The Final Fantasy XIII soundtrack—composed by Masashi Hamauzu—is mystical and epic; in other words, perfect adventure music. The abundance of high strings and military drums, as well as a strong brass section, lend to the imagery of vast landscapes both natural and man-made, and evoke emotions ranging from determination to desolation to hope. Seamlessly blended electronic and ambient elements, piano accents, and atonal/chromatic sections in individual pieces give the music a modern feel.

‘Prelude’ on Disc 1 sets the mood of the soundtrack perfectly, beginning with drums, chilly ambience, and low strings. Low brass is added, and the track builds to a triumphant, sweeping climax. I’d also like to mention track 2 on Disc 2, ‘The Promise’, which is arranged several times throughout the soundtrack. It is a sweet, delicate piece reflecting both sadness and love. I especially like the string/low brass outro.

Character Themes

Lightning has a beautiful theme. The piano and strings flow together wonderfully, weaving in and out of each other to create the image of a hero who pushes onward despite inner turmoil and hopelessness. Parts of this theme are used in Defiers of Fate (?), Blinded by Light, and a couple of other tracks.

Serah’s theme: in short, ‘The Promise’ with vocals.

Snow’s theme reminds me a lot of the Digital Devil Saga OST. Nice guitar sounds, but overall not a very memorable track—personally, I think it could have been more fast-paced.

Sazh’s theme is groovy! Although that was probably a given seeing as the character has a bird living in his ‘fro. The atonal guitar strumming provides an upbeat backdrop for yummy piano solos and some jazzy trumpets. Also, it provides alternating bars of 5/4 and 6/4 time. Craaaaazy.

Hope’s theme is a soothing acoustic guitar piece. Regardless of whether or not you like the kid, give this simple but emotional track a listen. Also used in Sustained by Hate, and This is Your Home.

Vanille has a light, simple piano theme that definitely reflects her optimistic outlook on life. Nice to listen to on a rainy day.

Fang’s theme sounds like it should be overworld music. It reminds me of the Kingdom Hearts orchestral pieces, and while that’s not a bad thing, I feel that it’s a bit too grand for one character.

‘Chocobos of Cocoon’ is an interesting electronic take on the famous theme, and is pleasant enough until the weird auto-tuned vocals come in. Eck. ‘Chocobos of Pulse’ is much better, featuring a syncopated trumpet melody and a great rhythm section.

TL;DR?

Tracks worth checking out:

• Prelude
• Saber’s Edge
• Eternal Love (vocal track)
• Blinded by the Light
• Lightning’s Theme
• Sazh’s Theme
• Hope’s Theme
• Chocobos of Pulse
• Fabula・Nova・Crystallis (my favourite arrangement of ‘The Promise’)

Album Review: The Dresden Dolls - (self-titled)

The Dresden Dolls - The Dresden Dolls
Release: September 26, 2003 (initial released)
April 27, 2004 (Roadrunner Records)
July 13, 2005 (Roadrunner Records Japan)
Genre: Alternative
Label: 8ft. Records (original release), Roadrunner Records (re-issue)

Length: 56:53

Nick's Rating: 3/5

Fuckin' A, I hate so many things that make 'obscure' music popular. As a for-instance, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and games like that, all include 80% your standard fare in terms of guitar rockers, then they include one or two numbers that are slightly obscure that everyone latches on to and plays non-stop. Not that most of them aren't good, but now every pissant teenage Metallica-lover knows Voivod as if they were joined at the hip, and Judas Priest's "Painkiller" is the second-most-played Priest song on last.fm.

Almost as bad, or perhaps even worse, to me, are those people who like to call themselves 'nonconformists' and who all listen to the same shit. If you brought this to their attention, they'd probably call it irony, and be quick to explain to you that they didn't learn the word from Alanis Morrisette like half of America did. I've met a fair few of them, many of whom have given me music suggestions -- probably because I look a mess, wear black shirts, and don't listen to the radio. Of course, they neglect to note that the black shirts are my torso-covering of choice because they tend to have my preferred musical billboard emblazoned on them (Pink Floyd, Rush, Motorhead, you get the picture) and I don't listen to the radio because a) most songs I like are album cuts and often too long for radio play, and b) your average radio DJ tends to jabber like an idiot given so much as five seconds air time. They then proceed to torture us with whatever they feel like, from middle-of-the-road rock-and-roll wannabes to random tapes of mutually ego-stroking interviews. One time, a radio DJ actually aired a mashup of "Enter Sandman" and "Don't Stop Believin'" -- I wish I could make this up. I can't. He played a fucking mashup of fucking "Enter Sandman" and fucking "Don't Stop Believin'." I can't stop swearing and I think I'm going into spasms. I need to stop writing about this.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the so-called nonconformists. Well, one of them (who, incidentally, loves System of a Down and Metallica and Rush on top of his depressive shit) told me to listen to the Dresden Dolls (without even so much as lending me a CD, naturally), so I did. I found their two albums and one EP and found them all to be about average. The fact that they're as popular as they are is utterly staggering. It may just be because Amanda Palmer, lead singer and pianist for the duo, asserts that her middle name is "Fucking" (how hip! how edgy!), they appeared just on time to fill in the void of good music for goth kids left by three years' delay since The Cure's last album, the fact that their next just wasn't enough like either of the two Pornography trilogies (Seventeen Seconds-Faith-Pornography or Pornography-Disintegration-Bloodflowers), and because they were signed to Roadrunner Records for some reason; Roadrunner Records is a metal-centric label that also distributed Within Temptation and has, since adding Amanda Palmer and her drumming sex poppet Brian Viglione (I had to look up the spelling on that one), Megadeth, Opeth, Porcupine Tree, Airbourne, Trivium, and DragonForce. They don't seem to care about the music so much as being hip and trendy (which explains the Dresden Dolls being on their label), and their continuous cash grabs (Did you hear about them wanting to digitally re-edit a Palmer DVD to make her look thinner? Whoo! Unfortuate implications ahoy!) make them seem like a particularly unfunny Ed, Edd n Eddy episode, but instead of jawbreakers, their quest is the total domination of rock music.

Well, it's either that that's to blame, or their presence at the Ig Nobel Prize ceremony in 2002.

Regardless, the record itself is, well... modestly good, anyway. It's very even, and most of the lyrics are kind of funny, if not outright cute... sometimes, I can't tell if there's irony to be found or not in a place like the bridge of "Coin-Operated Boy," where Amanda, after having espoused the joys of having a coin-operated lover, tells us that it's to hammer in the despair... but it's clearly just a jokey song about how much better a sex toy is than a real man. Is this one of those Gary Cherone moments where she's actually mocking these people? You can call bullshit on this one as many times as you want, IT IS POSSIBLE! Yes, it's fully, FULLY possible that she fucking with us and telling us that people who are that sexual have problems with them and are constantly in despair and-- yeah, okay, you're right, that's a stupid idea. With its origins in cabaret, the music of the duo DOES have quotas to fill in the sexuality department.

Better than that song, though (while "Coin-Operated Boy" is a nice, harmless song, it's basically just a jokey monologue over a sparse backing track), is the lead single (shockingly, this album did have associated singles...) "Girl Anachronism," which resembles a moderately fast rocker, but trades guitar for piano, giving it something approaching an interesting sound. The lyrics aren't greatly interesting (Palmer lamenting that she was born in the wrong time -- what, making that kind of music? No shit?), but they're reasonably amusing, which gives it a few points. Of course, most of the whole album is pretty amusing in a sick, perverted way, which seems to be the only way Palmer knows how to be (cf. the "Evelyn Evelyn" project, wherein she and another perform as, apparently, a pair of conjoined twins in a circus who apparently had been involved in child pornography, or something else kind of stupid like that... which resulted in backlash from everyone ever aimed at everyone else).

A review I read of the album somewhere once began to intimate that this was a musical revolution of sorts, or at least that Palmer and Viglione (please don't make me ever have to spell that again) were originals. I guess, yeah, but they're so overrated as such. On this album, on Yes, Virginia..., on No, Virginia..., they seem to have a consistent problem of not getting the balance right. It's kind of heartbreaking, too; they seem like they could be so good if they'd just strike a freakin' balance between their black humor, their quirkiness, and decent songwriting, which comes and goes a little too quickly for my tastes. It makes perfect sense why hipster 'non-conformists' would latch onto this type of music, but it's just... not done well enough in many cases.

One last thing: next person who mentions that they're "Brechtian punk cabaret" to me is going to cause my head to explode. "Brechtian punk cabaret," Palmer's description of the musical genre, is a fake genre, which she devised to dodge being called "goth." Hilariously, most of the people who bought her record are probably exactly the people who buy every other record that gets called "goth." So much for that plan, miss Palmer. Is that why you wrote "Backstabber?" This reasoning is probably the same that Emilie Autumn used when she came upon "Victoriandustrial" (to keep faux-goth kids who wouldn't understand the music or the pain from buying it) -- and in a cruel twist, you can find that at Hot Topic. No word on the Dolls' material, but then again, it's not like I actually like any of their records enough to even consider buying them.

Note to self, start reviewing more records you properly like.

The Wheel Of Fate Is oh nevermind.

BlazBlue's logo, in which all the letters are trying to desperately get away from each other as quickly as possible.

I'm not really here to fault BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger's recycling of characters from the Guilty Gear series. Arc System works is small and not all that wealthy and making detailed, high-res sprites is pretty costly, so I can understand if at some point they sat around the table, grabbed a general sketch of Potemkin, and thought, "Well, how can we re-use most of this and still make a pretty different character? You see, Guilty Gear 2 didn't work out so great, and..."

Iron Tager--Potemkin after Science!

What I really don't want to forgive BlazBlue for is its horrible, horrible character designs. I cannot stress this enough. They are bad. They manage to be both repulsive and utterly forgettable at the same time. Say what you will about their personalities, the storyline, the actual battle system and the quality of the sprites, but strictly speaking in terms of character designs, I want to headbutt Toshimichi Mori and/or Yuuki Katou, whoever is the most responsible for this mess.

Maybe we should start with how every single character in BlazBlue seems to have been dreamed up by a man who was holding a What's Hot & What's Not chart of stylistic anime trends in his other hand, and following it to the letter. Exhibit A: Ragna the Bloodedge, a name not quite as embarrassing as "Edge Maverick" but still pretty up there.

Ragna the Bloodedge, also featured: his inner .::*Darkness*::.

Ragna is kind of an amalgam of various things that I am tired of seeing in anime: swooshy-spiky hair of a color that doesn't really exist (there's gray, there's platinum blonde and then there's sterling silver) coupled with a twenty-third century samurai getup, with additional belt buckles for good measure. When I saw the animated opening to the game as Ragna displayed his Suiseiseki eyes to music that could well be featured in a Rozen Maiden spin-off, I just wanted to think "No, this isn't serious, the eyes are just a parody by the designers, who are of course self-aware of how wall-punchingly generic this guy is", but no, the opening continues, Ragna gets into a dramatic sword fight with Jin Kisaragi (read: Ky plus Ice), and the drama unfolds. That's Ragna for you: a Sol Badguy tweaked for modern sensibilities.

Noel Vermillion sports the world's shortest tie

A side-effect of trying to cater endlessly to the contemporary anime crowd is the attempt to cram way too many things into one design. I can only imagine that Noel is the result of Mori and Katou making a bet on who could come up with a character who featured as many fetish evokers as possible. Her infuriatingly useless ribbons and Apple-designed handguns are one thing; her detached sleeves, bare back and absolute territory are another. (Even sadder is the story of Litchi, a vaguely oriental chick and also the vehicle for more boobs.) BlazBlue's character designers enjoy the technology to reproduce all their zippers and straps in-game with some degree of fidelity, and this doesn't seem have done any good for their judgment of when a design is way too goddamn busy. Echoing on my post regarding the character designs of Rival Schools, I'd like to put these guys in the PS1 era and see what they did with themselves.

I guess the amateurish quality of the art is not doing them any favors either. Character portraits for BlazBlue: Continuum Shift are at least a step up in this regard, with the fighters in more interesting and dynamic poses.

You know, the Guilty Gear games also had some pretty crazy character designs, but they existed in this magical midnight metal carnival sort of atmosphere that characters like I-No embodied so well. The cast of BlazBlue is given a bland synthpop world in which they can just exist while looking pretty and lending themselves to endless badly-drawn fan art. It's not even elegant, it's just... boring, and you know people will lap it up but that will not make it any less boring.

Thanks to Creative Uncut for images.