Maybe I do have really, really not-right taste.

Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Welcome to the Pleasuredome
Release: October 29, 1984 (Original release)
Unknown date 2010 (25th Anniversary special edition)
Genre: New Wave
Label: ZTT Records
Length: 64:04

Nick's Rating: 3.5/5

I started writing this review in a philosophy class. Anyone who's taken a philosophy class knows that, after a point, brain-aches are a common occurrence. However, compared to trying to figure out where I stand on this album, philosophy class is downright therapeutic. This album is incredibly weird, formed of hundreds of heavy layers of a mix of new wave and sonic garbage... slathered precariously over simple backbeats by producer Trevor Horn. This probably looks like an unerringly simple conclusion, but let's be honest here. Welcome to the Pleasuredome is arguably more of a testament to Trevor Horn's skill as a producer than the musicality of Frankie's membership. Its fame is arguably because of its over-the-top nature and its excessive ad campaigns. It's kind of cute and kitschy -- I even wanted to try and find one of those old "FRANKIE SAY RELAX" T-shirts out of nostalgia for this, and I wasn't even alive when the record came out. "Relax" continues to get a lot of airplay and has been heard (in various forms) in many films and commercials for them (e.g. it was in Zoolander, a film I primarily remember because of the presence of a remix of this song in it.).

This album is a lot of fun to listen to, but there are no great revelations, musically or otherwise, contained within, especially if viewed with a modern lens. Arguably, the album has been completely outdated and outshined as an album of dance songs. This is possibly true, on some level. After all, this is a far cry from Daft Punk or whatever else is popular in dance music. Most of the music is, at least, still natural. Don't think of it as you would a dance album, think of it as you would INXS, for example, because that's actually a lot closer to what this album is than what one usually thinks of when thinking of dance music. Somehow, this is a hell of a lot more fun to listen to.

Example: "Welcome to the Pleasuredome," a towering thirteen minutes long, is a dense jungle of only partially-related sounds which basically adds up to a long song with a dance beat and prominent rhythm section throughout. Folded, spindled, and mutilated in places by producer Trevor Horn, I... guess you could dance to it, but more importantly, the song is basically an energetic, complex rock song that shows a lot of skill in hook artifice. Even across that length, the band doesn't permit you to consider that you would want to stop listening. No surprise there, and it's a worthy cause indeed if you're predisposed to INXS. Sadly, the band really can't rock like INXS, nor like Pink Floyd. Why Pink Floyd? That's just the impression I got of some of it; it reminded me of "Echoes," just with more new-wave to it.

The fact remains that, while this album is basically all dance music, there's still a lot of rocking to it. The trouble with it is that most of the songs are not particularly interesting listens (e.g. "The Power of Love"), or are too short to be substantial (Closing "bang..."). A lot of it couldn't exist as it does without the help of producer Trevor Horn who, despite not being officially such, was very much a part of the band. Fortunately, this was in a different capacity to his role during his stint in Yes. Not that Horn has a bad voice or anything, but Holly Johnson's is much better for this music. "Relax (Come Fighting)" is a good place to observe this; Horn makes that one-note bass line huge, turning it into the backbone for a patchwork, albeit still danceable number that has a surprising amount of might. I think a lot of people don't even realize that this is a good song and think only of the controversy the song generated.

To be fair, though, "Relax" is not really the same kind of song that I usually call a good one. All of the complexity of this song, of which there isn't much, is because it seems like Horn was hunced over the tape with a razor and paste. The arrangement is very confusing as a rock song goes, and it would probably be nothing without its hook. It's weird, though... I think it's just the general fun factor that permeates the record, making it an eerily pleasant listen even if you're not big on dance music. It even makes songs that are supposed to not be fun, like the cover of Edwin starr's "War" (ere subtitled "...and Hide") and "Two Tribes (For the Victims of Ravishment)" pleasant listens. In fact, I think the only thing irredeemable about this record is the cover of "Born to Run." However, being as much of a Springsteen fan as I am, this is inevitable, isn't it?

So, as I decide to wrap this up, I came to the conclusion that I've come to basically the same conclusion as the All Music Guide reviewer Ned Raggett did when he reviewed this album. I also was informed again of the presence of some of Ian Dury's backing band and Steve Howe (Yes's on-again-off-again guitar wizard). I didn't think about it as I reviewed the record, but maybe it did have an effect. Hey, anything is possible. I wouldn't recommend this over most INXS records, though. At least, not Listen Like Thieves or Kick. Devo is even better if you want new wave.

Oh, whatever. Just don't get too hung-up on this one. I think it's already too late for me. I reviewed this at all.

It's pretty disappointing that this is the first post of the new year.

Oomph! - Sandmann (Single)
Release: February 27, 2009
Genre: Neue Deutsche Härte
Label: Gun Records
Length: 15:09

Nick's Rating: 4/5

Let me preface this with a few quick things that have probably screwed my rating of this little single up a lot. First of all, I first heard this song in its English incarnation (which, after my first listen of the German original, I could tell was poorly-translated except in the choruses). Secondly, I really like this style of music for some reason -- which I guess is an instant goodbye to my metal cred. Third, there's the matter of the cover art. I really, really like it. It's very vanitas, without being directly so, as if the German semi-industrial-metal act doesn't know what it is. I don't blame them if the don't. I guess it's not proper vanitas, but it reminds me of the style. Huge plus there; vanitas looks really cool.

Well, who gives a damn about the art when it's the music I'm reviewing, right? Art criticism is something I should just leave for the one remaining expert, anyway, and the fact that I can't get much further than "I like vanitas" is proof. The song itself is basically standard fare for the genre. Neue Deutsche Härte, for those who are unaware, is a hard rock (I won't use the term metal here right now, since a lot of others wouldn't, and I don't want to incite their wrath for... whatever reason...) grounded heavily in industrial and electronic music (it's also German for "New German Hardness," but that's just an extra detail). The song is build on a pattern of loud verse-quiet prechorus-loud chorus-repeat with a rather soft, short bridge. It's modestly fast but probably not fast enough to get out of "midtempo." In short, very simple all around, but that's okay. The song is still very good.

I'd be hard-pressed to choose a specific part I liked most... the prechorus is slightly eerie, considering this genre cuts a lot of the spookiness of classic industrial out. There are a few other minor things I like, like the sudden stop at the end of the bridge before bringing us to the sounds from the intro and the last chorus, and how the riff in the chorus seems like it's going to just repeat (just like in Labyrinth), but then suddenly shifts a little just as the singer shuts up. All said, a lot of little things to like. It's a shame this didn't make it to Monster. It's basically supplanted "Labyrinth" as my favorite track from that era, and it's so energetic that it doesn't get old.

The three extra tracks are pretty okay all around, too, but can't hope to live up to the single's title track. The first is a remix thereof, though, by [:SITD:]. I like the way it starts out (taking the prechorus as an intro is damn effective), but without the energy of the original, I find it hard to like. I guess it's an okay dance number, but it just feels lacking. Then again, I think after the tremendous remix of Megaherz's "Liebestoter" that accompanied some releases of their Kopfschuss CD, I've been ruined for remixes of Neue Deutsche Haerte songs, or something. That, or I just don't get dance music of the modern age.

Next is "Auf Kurs," which appeared on Monster. Basically, this whole song is a slow build-up and very not heavy, which is fine. I don't think I'd easily return to it, but it's inoffensive, and sometimes it is nice to hear heavy bands scale back on the heaviness... unless they're X Japan. Sadly, the song is a bit nondescript, but the continuous adding of elements at the chorus is nice. It's done without the hysterics of Rammstein, but whether or not this is beneficial... hm, good question.

The last song on there is "Du lügst," which, I think, was on another single before Sandmann, but that's okay. This is my first time hearing it, and I really like it. It's slower than the title track by a lot and sounds a bit like "Das letzte Streichholz" Version Two, but that's not much of an argument. The bottom end is synth-heavy, which is perfectly fine. Actually, the electronic-ness of this seems to be the real selling point for me, for some reason. If it were more "natural-sounding" (if you catch my meaning), I would probably just dismiss it as too sappy. I really can't understand this very well myself, but I like the song, and it's a good ending song (as slower songs often are), so I'll definitely take it.

It's so disappointing, though, that this single and pretty much the only source of two of these songs (though "Sandmann" itself appeared on a reissue of Monster that I don't have) and the remix, because it's great all around. Singles of anything are hard to find these days. The single, for instance, is not available on US iTunes (then again, though, nothing from pre-2004-era Oomph! appears to be on US iTunes, either), and I have never seen it in stores. It's not surprising that it can't be found; Oomph!, and Neue Deutche Härte in general, were not that big in the U.S. -- which is no surprised. Translating lyrics from German to English doesn't often work out very well, and it wouldn't sell very well in German. We learned that with Kraftwerk (or at least the first part). It was by sheer luck that I got my copy of the single. I guess that just can't be helped.

Sometimes I'm just happier not understanding.

X Japan - Jealousy
Release: July 1, 1991 (Original release)
February 14, 2007 (Special Edition)
Genre: Speed metal
Label: Ki/oon Records
Length: 51:23

Nick's Rating: 3.5/5

I don't like to brag, but I think I have pretty good taste in music. Or, well, I thought I did until I decided it was time to check out X Japan. I guess this is just part of my "listen to things from all around the world" quest, and I'm afraid to trudge into the territory of Vocaloid songs without at least six guides holding my hands, and I don't feel like being a tug-of-war rope. So, a conservative choice (albeit one that would make political conservatives vomit). I got hold of this album, the special edition version with seven bonus tracks (instrumental versions of the vocal numbers from the album), and gave it a listen.

Shockingly, I liked it. I mean, it was good. It was very good. But not good as in "quirky kitsch" like Porcelain and the Tramps, and not good as in "written by a genius lyrical wordsmith" like Sparks, and not necessarily good as in "masterful instrumentalism" like King Crimson, or even good as in "abstract and demanding" like Cynic. It's more the "immaculately-made mid-level speed metal" of any 'good' third generation speed-metal band (discounting thrash, which is a whole new genre in and of itself). Let's not talk about the visual appearance... this music owes endless debt to Budgie and Iron Maiden. There is no escaping this. NO ESCAPE. NO ESCAPE...

Ahem. If you're looking for musical genius, don't start here, by any means. There are a few more genius musical moments than your average KISS record (they're purportedly big fans, or were), but that's not saying much. To be fair, though, the riffs that populate all of the good-ish five songs are worthwhile. However, maybe to make this as close to "quick and painless" as possible, let's go through the things I hate first, then what I'm lukewarm about, then what I actually like. I'm not even gonna try any analysis here; I can't understand a fucking WORD of this, and I could do without looking at the album cover again.

I utterly despise "Voiceless Screaming" and "Say Anything." Sometimes, ballads work. The minimalistic, acoustic-only "Voiceless Screaming" sounds great at first, like it might be kinda like Elvis Costello's "Little Triggers" (This Year's Model is still one of my favorite albums ever.), but it's not. The problem is that vocalist Toshimitsu Deyama (Toshi) over-emotes and sounds really, really whiny here. Taiji Sawada donates a nice arrangement, but otherwise... "Say Anything" has basically the same problem, but worse. It doesn't even have the benefit of a good arrangement. Sad, because Yoshiki Hayashi donates good songs elsewhere.

The instrumentals... well, it all depends on my mood. Two are introductions, one is just kinda weird. I'm talking about "Love Replica," and I'm counting it as instrumental even if it lists lyrics from deceased lead guitarist Hideto "hide" Matsumoto. I don't hear much in that area except a few abstract French statements. It's too long for being a weird pseudo-experimental mostly-electronic track. I guess it's cool, but it's sleep-inducing. Tomoaki Ishizuka (Pata) contributes "White Wind from Mr. Martin ~Pata's Nap~," which is the intro to "Voiceless Screaming." I like it, but it's really just the expected dicking around with an acoustic guitar. Nothing special. Likewise "Es Dur no Piano Sen" (I had to look that one up), though it does have this nice little break toward the end where everything just stops and there's a brief bit of chaos with the piano. That's Yoshiki's first contribution to the album, and it's the intro to "Silent Jealousy."

Speaking of which, I love "Silent Jealousy." I'm not ashamed. It's actually a decent number. I think the piano really makes it a hell of a lot more interesting than just another speedy riff-based song. At seven minutes long, it had better be interesting. It is. From what I've read, there's something from Swan Lake excerpted in that piano break toward the middle, but I couldn't tell you for sure. I just know that it sounds good, and this is where Toshi's strength as a vocalist lies.

Next in line: "Miscast" -- it's a great title, as if I could use one to sum up everything about the band, it would be that. Or maybe "Drain," but that's another review. The soung is even a little heavier than the last one with no regard for instrumental genius. It just rock pretty nicely, which is about all I need from an X Japan song. That's why I still listen to "Desperate Angel." It rocks nicely, even if it really is nothing special.

The real fun of this record is listening to "Stab Me in the Back" while you know what it's about. Hint: It's about being the receiving partner in anal sex. The lyrics were written by someone from outside the band (Hitomi Shiratori, according to Wikipedia), so take that as you will. I've also heard that Yoshiki thinks it's his favorite song (though I could be wrong), so tanke that as you will. You have a good night, now.

Oh, right. The song. It's pretty okay. It's the thrashiest number on here, and like most "thrashiest numbers" on records from thrash's heyday (i.e. pre-Black Album), is not always the funnest thing to listen to, unless you can't get enough of the sounds of heavy traffic (not the film, no). It's well-written and well-performed, but also lacks that technical edge that made Master of Puppets so good. "Damage, Inc." this ain't.

That just leaves "Joker." I don't know what to think of this one. It's kind of... not as good as my other favored songs, but I do like it. It's just kind of hard to remember. Maybe it's the vocals? I feel like I can make more sense of them, and I'm not sure I like that idea. Thankfully, the instrumental versions...

Well, there you go. I was probably a little hard on this record, but I don't consider it godlike. It's not really bad, though, either, just... it's not the first thing I'd take down to listen to if I was going to drive back to Chicago. Though, neither is Ghost in the Machine, which is a long-standing favorite of mine. It's well-performed, but not terribly special in terms of arrangement.

P.S. to any fans who may get prissy about fouling up information, please post a comment to this entry if I've gotten something wrong. I had to look a LOT of shit up on Wikipedia, which tends to have this effect... you get it.

From the other end of the spectrum...

Bruce Cockburn - The Trouble with Normal
Release: Unknown date 1983 (Original release)
Unknown date 1992 (Remastered with bonus tracks)
Genre: Post-punk
Label: True North Records
Length: 42:22

Nick's Rating: 4.5/5

A friend of mine was listening to Barenaked Ladies' cover of "Lovers In a Dangerous Time," which was originally written by this artist (pronounced as "Coburn," so you know). He tried to argue with me that Cockburn was not as good as Barenaked Ladies. If he'd only heard the one song by Cockburn, I could understand that. The new wave sound used for Stealing Fire and a few songs here make the messages hard to take. He'd probably heard more, and I... would still argue his point. It's a matter of personal taste, though. There are a few things about many of Cockburn's 80s records, though, that could do anything but endear prospective listeners to him. A lot of his masterful guitar work is gone, and not much separates these songs from Saga's debut, albeit informed with a little more new wave and post-punk. I like this style, but you might not.

One thing about this style, though, is that absorbing the musical skill doesn't feel like a chore. Sure, these are comparatively subtle in terms of displaying that Cockburn was a musical whiz, but when one confines him/herself to the limits of new wave, where's the room for stretching out? The Cars could have been musical gods to rival Hendrix, Bonham, Wakeman and Levin, but you'd never have known it. Listening to the title track and "Candy Man's Gone," though, you do get the feeling of a musical genius being locked into a self-imposed challenge: "I will make you think just like I did when I was just armed with an acoustic, while I cleave through what sprung from the Maels' worshipers." If you need proof, proceed from here. The instrumentation doesn't change much, but "Hoop Dancer" is blatantly post-punk instead of such a specific definition as new wave. So it's not as dark as Joy Division... there's more to life than darkness, which you'd know if you listened to the damn song. There's still light in this dark place. there's still some beauty in a world made ugly.

The words weave in and out between the virtuoso chaos, just as the virtuoso chaos does with itself. The song wears its Lou Reed inspiration on its sleeve like Emilie Autumn doesn't with her Tori Amos inspiration. It's weird, but it's well worth listening to, just because it sounds cool. Sure, it might drag on a while, but that's kind of the point. It can't all be (what he calls) "fashionable fascism!" Fuck the three-minute rule! Cockburn prefers himself a four-minute rule anyway... that's plenty of time to say something! Plenty of people can't say anything in that time, but Cockburn does it with gusto!

Okay, okay. "Waiting for the Moon" isn't ever gonna be cited as a favorite by me, but it's nice and calm after all that chaos, and after all, there's a lot more chaos to come. A dystopia probably isn't your ideal world (in fact, I'm fairly sure it's not), but while Cockburn gives you one, you kind of want to join him there to watch it all... sink. "Tropic Moon" is kind of also in that new wave/post-punk fusion area, but there isn't much else to say there. It's still a good song, I just can't describe it. It's not really that chaotic, either. I could describe that.

"Going Up Against Chaos," though, is chaotic indeed, and it's just weird. It has to be heard to be really described. There's more order to it than a lot of songs here, but that middle eight will continue to screw with your mind for a while (The closest I can come to describing it is a piano falling down the stairs... then the stairs falling on the piano.). It's probably my favorite song, because there aren't many things like it, much as some would like to say otherwise. I think it's because of the (electric) piano sounds, because that instrument's rarer than it should be in the genre. "Put Our Hearts Together" is pretty much exactly what you'd expect, albeit more angry and political. This must be why Wikipedia marks it as pop rock. There's not a lot of pop about much of the rest of this, you know.

The last two songs are not the best but are both okay. "Civilization and Its Discontents" its like a shorter, more staccato-based version of "Hoop Dancer," but with less of a spoken-word base than the aforementioned. At least, during the verses. The chorus, oddly, takes a sudden change. In fact, the song doesn't know what it wants to be, like it's nervous... very nervous. Talking Heads' "Life During Wartime" was probably the most paranoid song I'd heard until I put this one on. It's not directly paranoid, really, but at the same time... aw, fuck, I don't know. However, the best part is definitely that ending when it starts slowing down a lot. Very cool and irregular. The closer "Planet of the Clowns" reminds me of "Waiting for the Moon," so... you know what I think already of that. Kind of a boring way to end the album, but at least it makes it feel less chokingly hopeless... and I guess the line about waves rolling on the beach sounding like a squadron of F-16s is pretty damn vivid.

To be honest, I haven't got much to say about this. No pop culture jokes. No real jabs at anyone, no smarmy nicknames, no I'm-so-clever secret dick jokes... it's too good of an album for that. It manages to be beautiful without being a drag. It presents its views in a not-too-brutal way, and it's actually fun to listen to. Unlike all those Genesis pop albums, you get the feeling that Cockburn is a good songwriter with real musical skill from this disc. My only real regret here is that I couldn't find the newer CD with bonuses anywhere, which is what I get for living in Ugly America.

Okay, I guess a few snide remarks couldn't be avoided.

I'm glad I was lucky enough to find it on vinyl a few years ago. These days, you can't find anything on vinyl in listenable condition without shelling out the kind of money you usually reserve for diamond-encrusted Ferraris. Well... you get the picture. Vinyl is fucking expensive these days.

The ultimate proof that I have to stop trusting people on the internets.

Porcelain and the Tramps - s/t (EP)
Release: Unknown time 2010
Genre: Industrial Rock
Label: N/A
Length: 36:54

Rating: 3/5

Something I've covered before is how the world currently seems to be locked in endless 90s nostalgia in the past few years. It manifests itself in the eruption of praise you might witness being spewed from every critic's mouth about records like Stone Temple Pilots (not a bad album, really, but quite visibly backwards-looking, and can you name anything they did after 1995-ish?), Backspacer, Chinese Democracy, and Opheliac (which owes debt to Nine Inch Nails like you wouldn't believe). Unsuprisingly, several bands are interested in feeding into this as a means of getting a larger audience. Among these are groups like Shinedown, Tantric, and Godsmack, who polish their nu-metal sound with blatant grunge love, occasionally adding a pseudo-spiritual element (which is something that a lot of grunge bands didn't seem to care about).

Meanwhile, there are... other bands, like this, who don't give a shit about spirituality, or newer sounds. In short, the sound of Porcelain and the Tramps' eponymous EP (which is not an official release, and exists only as a fan-made EP of MP3s gathered from bandleader Alaina Beaton's MySpace site for the group.) is the 1990s all over again. Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails-inspired hard pop rock where it's pretty okay, and almost cool, to drop the F-bomb. Alaina uses it like she's trying out to be the female Penn Jillette for an episode of Bullshit!, except that she can't wail with his level of vengeful conviction. She tries at times, but rarely does it ever even show up, let alone seem like she's any good at it, let alone that she ever seems to have a reason for it, except to be nineties.

Okay, I'm a nineties guy. I like Rammstein, so there's a few points there. However, most of the rest of my nineties' culture favorites are Magic: The Gathering, the Nintendo 64, grunge music, Mr. Show, and EarthBound. I'm cool with Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson. However, with few exceptions, I don't buy the whole "you swear, you're cool" thing. "Cool" was Contract From Below into a Yawgmoth's Will. I played Magic with my brother where we faked ante, so this was possible. This also won't make any sense to anyone ever. In short, I was a mild-mannered nerd with a modestly clean mouth and who was fed his revolutions by The Man. (Hilarious, by the way, how every revolutionary class of music was claimed by The Man in the end, isn't it?) As a result, in terms of nineties nostalgia, this doesn't thrill me. Nor does it thrill me as an industrial fan; inspired by inspired by inspired by industrial really isn't very industrial at all. Call it scathingly rough-cut, deeply skew versions of Some Great Reward-era Depeche Mode.

That's a good point to bring up, though. The album is nothing if not catchy and kind of kitschy in its half-nostalgic posturing. The subject du jour, unsurprisingly, is sex... which seems out of place when sung by a creepy girl in a gas mask, but that's beside the point. I guess anything can be sexy, and we live in an era of Lady Gaga and Bayonetta and a lot of other weird shit that some people find sexy. Can't "raving psycho bitch" be a class of moe, too? If Vocaloid fandom is any indication, yes it can. Why all these references? I was submitted this item by people who would be able to feign understanding of this same shit. (No, I don't even think I understand it.)

In brief, the matter is this: there is no inspiration here from a lyrical stance besides the trademark "Nineties Guy" scowl and a desire to get laid. It sounds heinous, but it does include a few good songs, as do most concepts that sound bad. Ignore the lyrics; they're trite shit. The arrangements are well-enough-done that you can ignore that those are pretty much worthless, too. They're your basic alternative arrangements but more industrial-rocky. "I Feel Perfect" is probably my favorite, reminding me of "Closer" meets "Mama" (the Genesis song). "Redlight District" was exposed to me by a fan of Pandora Hearts, so I can't stop associating it with a character from that series. Surprisingly, that makes it more amusing. It's so hard to read, though; is it an indictment of the sex-crazed world we live in, or is it a serious, blatant come-on? One last: "My Leftovers" is probably one of the heaviest songs on the album (except maybe "I'm Your Favorite Drug"), which makes it kidn of endearing, proving that, with the right volume and mix, nothing matters in rock except the ROCKING.

Okay, I lied about that "one last" thing, as I have to give credit to one more song. "Fuck Like a Star," the third track on the EP, is oddly cute, perhaps due to its über-vulgar title and lyrics. It's definitely not the arrangement; musically speaking, it's basically just kind of a cheesy pop song, machine music that most people could come up with. It could just be the opening, a joke on censorship and what you can get away with. It's a profanity-laden rant by Alaina, heavily filtered, with all of the words that are directly banned from broadcast blanked out. It's incredibly foul and sounds like the worst of hip-hop misogyny (Alaina DID start her career as a rapper), but it could probably be broadcast... and it makes the ending "Ahahahaha... OOPS!" of the song that much sillier. All in all, it's kind of cute, but largely pointless. At once, I want this to become big and to actually see Alaina release an album already, but at the same time... it's nothing special. No-one woudl be caught dead singing these songs unless they were shit-faced fucking drunk.

Footnote: Alaina now records as just Porcelain. This EP is, again, not commercially available, and it consisted of the following songs: "King of the World," "My Leftovers," "Fuck Like a Star," "You Want," "Sugar Cube," "The Preyingmantis," "Transparent," "I Feel Perfect," "I'm Your Favorite Drug," and "Redlight District." There was no cover for this.

No, really, ONE of us IS still alive!

The Reasoning - Dark Angel
Release: October 9, 2008
Genre: Progressive rock
Label: Comet Music
Length: 51:35

Nick's Rating: 4/5

It was briefly fashionable in the progressive rock world, for those bands who knew what fashion was, to borrow your style from Porcupine Tree. While I have respect for Steven Wilson and all of his projects, as Porcupine Tree the man, as Porcupine Tree the band, producing Opeth or being a King Crimson fanboy, I am deeply disappointed by this fact. The reason why Mr. Tree became so big is mostly because of In Absentia (a good album), Deadwing (even better), and Fear of a Blank Planet (too heavy-handed at times, but pretty cute), especially that first one. At the time, I hated it. I still think it's not nearly the band's best, but their catalogue also includes Lightbulb Sun, so what can you do about that?

At around the same time, metal bands also put out a decent number of "return to form" albums (Voivod's self-titled, Megadeth's The System Has Failed and United Abominations) or made it big (Nightwish's Once). Thank you for mentioning Nightwish, also; Dark Angel borrows enough pieces of gothic-style metal that, at first, you will want to grit your teeth and ask "Where the fuck did I hear this from, and when did it get so damn slow?" A lot of the album is like that, really, but more of it draws from the more obvious progressive influences like Porcupine Tree and Marillion, and thankfully, just because it draws a lot from these bands and is based a reasonable bit on a super-predictable musical model (which may be closer to Epica or early After Forever, if the latter sounds like what I think it does, in that it cares a lot about having male vocals be as important as female vocals. Unlike Epica, though, the male vocals are actually clean.). Thankfully, it's a good one, but it does detract a lot from how interesting the album is.

I can't really say what song is "best," they all have basically the same good and bad to them. Most of them sound too much like someone was listening to Nightwish or, dare I say it, Evanescence, when writing these, and the genre's need for complexity is rarely met (as is basically the case with Porcupine Tree). I guess I'll just go with the second song, "Sharp Sea," which probably is about a vampire tring to seduce her victim, or... something, I don't even want to know, okay? The important parts that contribute to my counting this as good is that it reminded me a lot of Deadwing/Fear-era Porcupine Tree in its general sound, and the melody of the chorus seems to recall the song "Survival" from Yes' very first album. I always loved that song, and trying to replicate its melody is a noble cause. "Call Me God?" is pretty cute, too, for similar reasons as why everything on Deadwing or Fear is. It's strong and sardonic, which is fun ad just right for the modern audience. In fact, this whole album, even at its most average (almost all of it!) is pretty cute, because it could fit just as well into the playlists of a fan of neo-prog and a Twihard. (Defining my opinions on Twilight is a fait accompli, but I still find this adorable.)

Though it's not exactly on-topic, I think I should say it anyway: there seems to be an odd construct about rock music today, that, for the large part, it's still the domain of men, to the point where the presence of a female member of the band immediately is a focal point. Have a look at the pictures for The Reasoning on last.fm and count how many don't focus a fair bit on Rachel Cohen. Almost every picture features her, and many feature ONLY her. For those pictures that don't show her, you'll notice they're usually very low down the list (the images are ordered according to how much they're liked, by the way). It's probably sexual, and I guess I can understand that, but most fans, regardless of whether sex is the point, will focus more on Cohen as the lead singer than the musicality of the album, which is disappointing. If The Reasoning made it big today, it would probably be because people would be trying to focus on how best to compare it to Evanescence or how sexy the lead singer is (if the label was really corrupt), when they'd be missing the entire point, that these are actually good songs.

Okay, so I'm being a little cynical, but this is a good album, shockingly, and one of the proofs that modern music is not dead, but that its vitality lies in something the radio doesn't want to grasp hold of, like this, or Traced In Air, or Voivod. The old mainstays have led us to Linkin Park and Lady Gaga taking home massive quantities of records. My qualms with Lady Gaga are mostly faded, but she's not as good as everyone gives her credit for, or at least unwilling to show that she is, and Linkin Park won't be forgiven for making me think, in my youth, that they were good thanks to their prevalence in AMVs and the like. We all make bad decisions in our life, indeed. Buying Dark Angel wouldn't be one of those. I'm only suggesting you buy it this time because this is an artist in desperate need of support. Mainstream professional critics can't be assed to write about it, there's no singles, and no advertisements for it. How will people who are too lazy to search for things going to discover this album, then?

Yes, I am actually extolling the virtues of mainstream critics and advertising for once. I'm going to go stab myself in the back for you right now. And I guess I didn't go over a lot of the songs in much depth, but there isn't a lot of depth to this album.

Album Review: Guns n' Roses - Chinese Democracy

Guns n' Roses - Chinese Democracy
Release: November 23, 2008
Genre: Rock
Label: Geffen Records
Length: 71:18

Nick's Rating: 2.5/5

Oh, the pain, my flesh is burning. Listening to this album was so hard, and writing this review is even harder. The album's greatest success is only as a whole, and even that's not exactly on a musical level. Chinese Democracy is a nightmarish ride through an obsession with Nine Inch Nails finally being brought to the forefront, a trek through the marshes of mediocrity (it contributes three good songs, a few aveage ones, and some true shit to the GNR legacy), but most importantly, a look deep into the shallow depths of Axl's soul.

I don't really know why this is a GNR record. Why, because Dizzy Reed contributed "Silkworms," which didn't even make the album, anyway? It's just another of Axl's megalomaniac tendencies, showing that he was the band, when his whiny vocals tended not to suit a band who sang about bad neighbors, living poor, and Night Train. Meanwhile, Rose's needle-like vocalizations actually benefit this album in most of the places where they're audible. While I would probably have vomited if they completed the lead vocals of "Shackler's Revenge," he manages to pull out well enough on some of the ballads.

But first, we should look at some of the things that were NOT included -- should we be thankful? Actually, no. If a few of the more uninteresting songs (such as "Scraped," which I can't even remember now, and "There Was a Time") were cut for "Silkworms" and "Oh My God," the album would probably be a lot better off.

Speaking of better, I'm finally beginning to be okay with that song. At the time the album was first released until about a week ago, I hated it. The hook was limp and the lyrics were just another of Rose's wanky indictments of everyone who 'betrayed' him. Truth be told, the hook is poor, and the into is almost a complete dealbreaker, as is the middle section, but it's a pretty good song, because of its... uh, distorted to the point of cleanness (boy, that Axl Rose is nuts, ain't he?)... main riff, over which Axl explains his plight with an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or something that I can be even less arsed to figure out than... most other things, actually. The fact is, the song sounds like several GNR songs, and I can't quite place which one/s off-hand, and that's probably why I actually grew to like it. It's still a pale shadow of those old songs (Axl, when oh when do we get another "Right Next Door to Hell?" Or another "Mr. Brownstone?"), and the nineties nostalgia consumes the entire song.

That's probably the big problem with this album -- the change in sound. There's nothing wrong with this, of course, but GNR cannot do this very well, not to mention that any time this sound is used, it already sounds like it's been done so much before that it cannot provide any sort of pleasure at all, and it devoids songs of any vitality, with few exceptions. For a good example, check out "I.R.S.," which wasn't necessarily a great song in the first place, but in older demos, the riff came to life and didn't sound like it was cheaply made on a computer. Now, as it stands, it's cute, but utterly worthless, and if earlier songs weren't proof that the skip button was the greatest thing to happen to the CD player since... the CD player... you'll be up and heading for the machine as the plastic-forged riff rears its lifeless head. I mean, I do like a few songs whose riffs could've been a rip-roarin' demon of a distortion-wall but got frozen into a fragile form, but there has to be a reason for this other than wanting to test out the latest technology from the early 1990s, about when Axl probably locked himself in his room to cry about how everything should change. Eventhing except the music, of course -- otherwise, why would Nine Inch Nails' Robin Finck or Josh Freese, who now is a member of Devo of all groups to have any association with Axl Rose, be needed at any point along the record's development?

There are only two reasons why you shouldn't turn this album off after the first three tracks, but neither is very great... they're just good. The first is in the form of Rhiad and the Bedouins Riyadh and the Bedouins Riad n' the Bedouins, where Axl Rose proves his controlling nature by changing the name of the song not once but twice during its development to simply change the spelling. That... is perfectionism. "I don't give a fuck 'bout them / 'cause I. Am. CRAZY!" indeed, Axl. May I recommend Prozac? Did you predict the future and steal dialogue from Crazy Dave of Plants vs. Zombies, mate? Lyrically it's a suckjob, yes, but it has a damn good riff for swimming in a sea of mediocrity. The other, though, wins solely on an emotional level, and that's closer "Prostitute," which seems to manage the 'forlorn' feeling Axl was going for throughout the whole album, where you finally can actually feel for Axl and his self-induced abandonment. Of course, lyrically, it's the same dumb shit you should expect from this man.

Of course, the two absolute best songs (to me) sit at the very start of the album. The title track, despite its completely unnecessary massive, cinematic, string-flooded opener, actually pulls out a nice opener and, unbelievably, acceptable, if generic vocals (probably because the actual lead seens to be handled by someone else with Axl in the back!) that actually allow the bitterness and anger (probably not directed at the People's Republic in the title, but at some other backstabber) that, combined with the fact that the song has something resembling drive, make it pretty much of a winner. Its pair, then, is the restrained, brooding, not... not necessarily creepy or even dark, but definitely making a good attempt at it... "Shackler's Revenge" boasts a lot of dynamic shifting that make it a startling and even disorienting listen, with the band aiming for a dark atmosphere and an almost honest account of a killer seeking to exterminate... another backstabber. Overall, very boring lyrically, but those dark vocals, and the weird-sounding solo section with the odd chorus in the background that sound like they want to be flamethrowers, while the bass remains invisible and the drums sound like plastic... it's very weird, which is a symptom the whole album suffers from, but it's actually shockingly good.

The album, though, brings up one very important point. Let's remind ourselves that the record took 15+ years to see release and has 14 tracks, of which two are great, three are modestly okay, and the other nine range from total shit to too unmemorable to be considered. I think, then, that we can make a simple test for a new album. If the ratio between years since last album and number of tracks on the album is 1 or greater, the album is probably not worth buying in whole. It's depressing; I like the 90s electronic-based rock 'scene,' which has given us great albums like Violator and Broken, but this half-assed tribute (musically speaking; lyrically... this album is oddly lacking on swears, so how close can it get to Reznorian dimensions, since Trent came up with that "I wanna fuck you like an animal" song. You know, "Closer"?) to that era leaves me damn cold in some places. The best parts, though, tend to resemble the songs of the style that GNR used to do so well before the hiatus. You know, back when Slash was in the band. Which just goes to show that this is a band that, even if they had only the one skill, had it in spades. Can we deny for even a minute that Appetite for Destruction and the Use Your Illusion saga were deserved gargantuans? Fuck no.

I should note, though, that I probably am a little bit bitter about having to buy this at fucking Best Buy, where I paid around $16 US for this CD new. I have always fucking hated Best Buy with every fiber of my existence, and this record's price versus its quality may have something to do with it. As well, I didn't get my free Dr. Pepper two years ago, but what can you do. I feel I was being conservative with this record's rating, but remember that 2.5 is basically a "just below average" on a scale of one to five. It's just extremely frustrating... and this record makes me want to take a fifteen-year nap before I post my next article.

Good lord, I am angry. I'll try to actually review something likable next time.