The ultimate proof that I have to stop trusting people on the internets.

Porcelain and the Tramps - s/t (EP)
Release: Unknown time 2010
Genre: Industrial Rock
Label: N/A
Length: 36:54

Rating: 3/5

Something I've covered before is how the world currently seems to be locked in endless 90s nostalgia in the past few years. It manifests itself in the eruption of praise you might witness being spewed from every critic's mouth about records like Stone Temple Pilots (not a bad album, really, but quite visibly backwards-looking, and can you name anything they did after 1995-ish?), Backspacer, Chinese Democracy, and Opheliac (which owes debt to Nine Inch Nails like you wouldn't believe). Unsuprisingly, several bands are interested in feeding into this as a means of getting a larger audience. Among these are groups like Shinedown, Tantric, and Godsmack, who polish their nu-metal sound with blatant grunge love, occasionally adding a pseudo-spiritual element (which is something that a lot of grunge bands didn't seem to care about).

Meanwhile, there are... other bands, like this, who don't give a shit about spirituality, or newer sounds. In short, the sound of Porcelain and the Tramps' eponymous EP (which is not an official release, and exists only as a fan-made EP of MP3s gathered from bandleader Alaina Beaton's MySpace site for the group.) is the 1990s all over again. Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails-inspired hard pop rock where it's pretty okay, and almost cool, to drop the F-bomb. Alaina uses it like she's trying out to be the female Penn Jillette for an episode of Bullshit!, except that she can't wail with his level of vengeful conviction. She tries at times, but rarely does it ever even show up, let alone seem like she's any good at it, let alone that she ever seems to have a reason for it, except to be nineties.

Okay, I'm a nineties guy. I like Rammstein, so there's a few points there. However, most of the rest of my nineties' culture favorites are Magic: The Gathering, the Nintendo 64, grunge music, Mr. Show, and EarthBound. I'm cool with Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson. However, with few exceptions, I don't buy the whole "you swear, you're cool" thing. "Cool" was Contract From Below into a Yawgmoth's Will. I played Magic with my brother where we faked ante, so this was possible. This also won't make any sense to anyone ever. In short, I was a mild-mannered nerd with a modestly clean mouth and who was fed his revolutions by The Man. (Hilarious, by the way, how every revolutionary class of music was claimed by The Man in the end, isn't it?) As a result, in terms of nineties nostalgia, this doesn't thrill me. Nor does it thrill me as an industrial fan; inspired by inspired by inspired by industrial really isn't very industrial at all. Call it scathingly rough-cut, deeply skew versions of Some Great Reward-era Depeche Mode.

That's a good point to bring up, though. The album is nothing if not catchy and kind of kitschy in its half-nostalgic posturing. The subject du jour, unsurprisingly, is sex... which seems out of place when sung by a creepy girl in a gas mask, but that's beside the point. I guess anything can be sexy, and we live in an era of Lady Gaga and Bayonetta and a lot of other weird shit that some people find sexy. Can't "raving psycho bitch" be a class of moe, too? If Vocaloid fandom is any indication, yes it can. Why all these references? I was submitted this item by people who would be able to feign understanding of this same shit. (No, I don't even think I understand it.)

In brief, the matter is this: there is no inspiration here from a lyrical stance besides the trademark "Nineties Guy" scowl and a desire to get laid. It sounds heinous, but it does include a few good songs, as do most concepts that sound bad. Ignore the lyrics; they're trite shit. The arrangements are well-enough-done that you can ignore that those are pretty much worthless, too. They're your basic alternative arrangements but more industrial-rocky. "I Feel Perfect" is probably my favorite, reminding me of "Closer" meets "Mama" (the Genesis song). "Redlight District" was exposed to me by a fan of Pandora Hearts, so I can't stop associating it with a character from that series. Surprisingly, that makes it more amusing. It's so hard to read, though; is it an indictment of the sex-crazed world we live in, or is it a serious, blatant come-on? One last: "My Leftovers" is probably one of the heaviest songs on the album (except maybe "I'm Your Favorite Drug"), which makes it kidn of endearing, proving that, with the right volume and mix, nothing matters in rock except the ROCKING.

Okay, I lied about that "one last" thing, as I have to give credit to one more song. "Fuck Like a Star," the third track on the EP, is oddly cute, perhaps due to its über-vulgar title and lyrics. It's definitely not the arrangement; musically speaking, it's basically just kind of a cheesy pop song, machine music that most people could come up with. It could just be the opening, a joke on censorship and what you can get away with. It's a profanity-laden rant by Alaina, heavily filtered, with all of the words that are directly banned from broadcast blanked out. It's incredibly foul and sounds like the worst of hip-hop misogyny (Alaina DID start her career as a rapper), but it could probably be broadcast... and it makes the ending "Ahahahaha... OOPS!" of the song that much sillier. All in all, it's kind of cute, but largely pointless. At once, I want this to become big and to actually see Alaina release an album already, but at the same time... it's nothing special. No-one woudl be caught dead singing these songs unless they were shit-faced fucking drunk.

Footnote: Alaina now records as just Porcelain. This EP is, again, not commercially available, and it consisted of the following songs: "King of the World," "My Leftovers," "Fuck Like a Star," "You Want," "Sugar Cube," "The Preyingmantis," "Transparent," "I Feel Perfect," "I'm Your Favorite Drug," and "Redlight District." There was no cover for this.